9.04.2013

THE TOP TEN TOTALLY "TERRIFIC" TOILET TRAINING TACTICS


As I psych myself up to begin potty training child #3, I thought it would be interesting to compile a list of actual potty training strategies that I have either used or personally known of someone using.  These are all true stories.  Seriously.

Tactic 1:  Hold a Fleet Baby Laxative up in your hand when your child is 18 months old (yes, you read that right, EIGHTEEN MONTHS OLD) and say dramatically, "Either you do this yourself or I do this for you."

Tactic 2: Brainwash your daughter.  Never actually tell her to use the potty, instead check out dozens of children's books about using the toilet from the library.  Only watch movies about going to the bathroom. Make it the topic of all discussions in your home with everyone but your daughter.

Tactic 3:  Park your son in front of the tv on a little portable Elmo toilet that speaks Spanish when a "deposit" is made.  Make him watch "Elmo's Potty Time" on repeat and drink liquids until he goes.  Ignore the red circle deeply imprinted onto his little bum at the end of this 2+ hour ordeal.  Tell yourself you're not an awful person for making your son do this, when deep down you know it was borderline child abuse.

Tactic 4: Wait till your stubborn 3 1/2 year old is 1 month away from starting preschool and have a straight forward rational talk with him that it's time for him to start using the toilet... and for you to stop changing his man poop diapers. 

Tactic 5: Show your daughter how her favorite doll can "go potty" on the toilet.  "Wipe" the doll's bum. "Wash" the doll's hands.  "Give" the doll a gummy bear.  Ignore your daughter when she tries to imitate your behavior by dunking every stuffed animal and doll she owns repeatedly in the toilet.

Tactic 6: Buy a "Poo Poo Train." Stick it on top of the refrigerator for your son to look at every day.  Each day he is dry, give him part of the train.  Make sure the train says "Poo poo!" instead of "Choo! Choo!"  This is key.

Tactic 7: Let your son pick out his favorite character underwear. If he has an accident in it, launch into an over dramatic scene about how he pooped on Lightening McQueen ("How dare you poop on Lightening McQueen!!!") and then throw it away in the garbage. FOR REAL.

Tactic 8: Potty train your dog and the 2 year old will naturally follow the dog's lead. That's all you need to do.  It's that easy.

Tactic 9: Never put your child in diapers to begin with.  You can call it something sophisticated like, "Elimination Communication," while everyone else calls it "crazy."  Hold your child over houseplants and street gutters when you sense that it's their time to go.  Be one with nature and your child's bowel movements.

Tactic 10: Let your child run around naked all summer so that they will get a sense of what is really happening when they feel warm urine flow gently down their little legs and nature poop onto the grass.  (Hey, it's fertilizer!)

Now that I've written it out, I still don't know what to do.  Ugh, I hate this.  I think I will have to go with Tactic 11: Wing it, because no amount of subliminal messages or baby laxatives can make your child do what ultimately she can only do for herself.  Wish us luck.  Have I mentioned how much I hate this?

12 comments:

  1. THE TOP TEN TOTALLY TERRIFIC TOILET TRAINING TACTICS.. now say that 10 times fast.

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  2. Yeah. I'm with you girl! Haven't had an easy one yet.

    I know they are out there though.

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    1. Kirsten, my mom was saying that I should call you with my potty-training issues...apparently it was a pretty rough time for ya. You should message me your phone number and we can commiserate about poop together.

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  3. Haha!! Nothing worse than changing a man poop diaper! lol! Great post!!

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  4. TRULY THANKFUL THE THRESHOLD TOTALS TEN TIPS. THOROUGHLY TRAUMATIZED THINKING THROUGH THIS TERRIBLE TODDLER TRAGEDY. THANKS!

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  5. HAHAHAHAHA! When Amelia gets older she is going to be soooo happy with you for posting this picture of her on the potty for the world to see. HAHAHHAAHAH! And Yes, potty training is the WORST thing ever!!!!

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    Replies
    1. I know. I did think that when I posted the picture and... then I posted it anyway. Sorry, Amelia. You're just too cute on the toilet to not share it with the whole wide world!! I'm the worst.

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  6. Thanks for the post, Cristin. We started potty training kid #1 back in June using a "3-day method". Yuck! It totally didn't work and took over our entire summer and she's still not 100%. Maybe 50/50. She's set at night though. That's one hill we're done climbing :)

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  7. Cristin, you have no idea how glad I am that you're blogging again. There's been a comical piece of my life lacking since you stopped. Nobody can make me laugh at a computer screen the way you can.

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  8. I agree with Mary. This whole post made me so happy. Especially because I've probably tried at least 6 of those methods and not ONE single one has worked. Not a one of them.
    I hate changing man-poop diapers. But they're still better than changing man-poop underwear.
    By the way, you totally forgot my own personal tactic--guilt them into pooping in the toilet by bursting out into tears every time they have an accident! Promise, you won't have any other underlying issues crop up if you use that tactic.... (clears throat suspiciously)...
    I'm gonna have to use the "Elimination Communication" one on my next child. It's actually quite popular in Taiwan. Something I never quite got used to.

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  9. Thanks for sharing above information! I really appreciate this post, Puppies are so delightful and just not possible to resist. But we expect them not to peeing and pooing all over the dwelling. So here are some of tips you can use to set up to potty train your puppy:-

    • Understand that puppies needs to go to the bathroom a lot as a young puppy has a very small bladder, and they haven't yet cultured the talent to control it. So keep it in mind this when it comes to potty training your puppy.

    • Establish yourself as the leader; this will help in earning your puppy's respect, trust and admiration. And your puppy will star following all your potty training instructions.

    • Uphold a stringent schedule when you take your puppy out to go potty. Travel through the same door and use the same direction. With your awareness of your puppy's peeing preferences, foresee when she'll want to urine and bring her to the puppy bathroom.

    • Never forget to encourage your puppy every time she pees in the right spot. Thrash out your cheery, joyful voice and lavish her with adulation and praise. Your puppy now has an emotional ingenious to do her job in the right place.

    http://www.pet-buy.com/pet-trainers

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