8.22.2013

CROSSFIT LITE IS AN OXYMORON

crossfit   [kraws-fit]
noun 

a form of torture used on immobilized victims so as to induce humility and severe physical pain

Although I had never attended an official, pay at the door, CrossFit "class", I wasn't as unfamiliar with the faddish Al Queda-esque exercise program as I let on.  Years ago, before it was cool (as he likes to remind me), my husband set up a psuedo-CrossFit gym in our garage, complete with a pull up bar resembling a trapeze swing. Plus, Erik's sister, Ditte, is a CrossFit coach and his other sister, Trine, frequents CrossFit 3 times a week.  Apparently, one of the requirements of CrossFit is that if you do it, you have to talk about it a lot, to everyone, all the time (very similar to the LDS Church's member missionary program), so it pretty much worked its way into most conversations. If it were possible to do CrossFit by osmosis, I was practically there.

Yet, despite all these people around me doing it, I never had a desire to take a class until I heard about CrossFit Lite.

Trine explained, "Of course you don't start off lifting all that weight.  The Lite class uses PVC pipes and 15 lb. bars and -"

I interrupted, "Stop, you had me at PVC pipes. I'm totally there."

 (After all, I am the same girl who took water aerobics for two years just for the sole fact that the instructor would never really know if I was exercising because she couldn't see what I was doing under the water.)

The plan was to begin said Lite class the week following the first day of school.  I didn't think I was afraid, but evidently, my subconscious was terrified.  The night before my first class, I dreamt that I went to CrossFit and it was a Wipe Out type obstacle course.  In my dream, when I told the coaches I didn't want to jump off a cliff into a pool full of jello and sharks, they laughed and told me to toughen up.  It's no surprise, that I woke up dreading my first class later that morning.

It started off okay.  We got to use PVC pipes to learn a skill, which was totally awesome. (That's my kind of weightlifting!) Then it got real serious real fast when it was time to do the WOD, which is a CrossFit acronym that stands for Workout ODeath. That day's WOD consisted of lifting a bunch of weight above our heads 10 times and then running down the streets of the pit bull friendly ghetto where the Box (CrossFit lingo for the building where said torment takes place) is located. Then repeat this routine until you collapse.

Not so fun.  I am very familiar with the concept of exercise being painful, but this reminded me of the kind of thing Javert would make Jean Valjean do for stealing a loaf of bread. There is a reason those CrossFit junkies (and Jean Valjean only while in prison) are really, really, ridiculously good looking.  That is some hard work. Worst part is you're standing around in a somewhat circle while you are doing this, trying not to make eye contact with anyone.  "They" say it's not competitive, but I really felt like I needed to compete to make the weirdest exercise face.  I'd like to think I won that specific part of the WOD.

I'm not sure when it all fell apart for me.  It could have been when the well meaning coach mentioned that I wasn't holding any real weight while my arms were shaking from the 15 lb. bar in my hands, or maybe it was the woman next to me who mentioned she would really "like to look like a dude!"

After performing wall squats for what seemed like an eternity, okay it was probably 3 minutes, I was able to leave. I limped away from the Box and as soon as I started the car, I began to cry.  I hated feeling like a quitter.  And even more so, I hated feeling like a wuss. It is quite possible that I came home, put on the medal I received for the half-marathon I completed in June, rocked back and forth in the fetal position on my bedroom floor, and slowly chanted, "I am not a wuss... I am not a wuss... I am not wuss."


Hey, did I mention I am not a wuss?

BUT, evidently, I am a quitter when it comes to CrossFit, because we are never, ever, ever getting back together.  Like ever.

10 comments:

  1. They really are extremely good looking. I never related it to cross fit until now!
    -Caitlin

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  2. This. Is. Awesome. As an "occasional crosffit trier" (the best way I can think to describe myself), I could totally relate to all of this. Great writing and hysterical! ~Devin

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  3. How are we ever going to get Caitlin to join when you put it like that?! Haha! Love it. Fortunately the torture doesnt last very long ;)

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  4. Well, you just convinced me to not try cross-fit! Between this post and your comments about losing your toenails post half, I'm thinking about stopping exercise all together. I'm just going to learn from your pain from now on!

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  5. I tried crossfit twice and it is all about competition. You don't want to be the last one! I love the Ditte and Trine love it, but I don't think it's for me. Plus when I went to Physical Therapy later, for some hip issues (I swear Crossfit started the pain back up) their physical therapist said that a ton of their clients were crossfit athletes! Hmmmm!

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    Replies
    1. NO way! Ahhh... okay I'm REALLY never trying it. I already have so many back/foot etc. issues and really need to do PT.Thanks for letting me know this.

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    2. I'm convinced that all exercise tears up your body, whether it be CrossFit or running. They both are brutal on your muscle and joints.

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    3. All except... YOGA! (for me anyway)

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  6. Didn't you have all your kids without any drugs? And you don't even have big hips. You are not a wuss my friend. And whatever you lack in cross fit skills, you make up for in hilarious and brutally honest wit.

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  7. wait...you ran a half-marathon??? YUCK.

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