Nobody freak out. I've decided to start blogging again.*

As I was going through this summer's pictures, I realized that I never posted the story about my mother's birthday present from Alcoholly!

Sometime in the middle of June, Alcoholly handed me a beautifully wrapped gift for my mother's birthday. The next day, she left this message on my phone:

"Dearheart. Please get a pencil and write this down. [long pause] 'Only to be opened in front of husband.' Now tape it to your mother's gift. You see, Dearheart, your mother's birthday gift is some of my lingerie. Your mother informed me that this is acceptable in your religion, although it is only to be viewed between husband and wife. It is crucial that she does not open this in public."

As if I was going to let my mom open a package containing Alcoholly's old lingerie in private! This is going on the internet.

So, in July, weeks after my mom's birthday, I was able to deliver the scandalous package to her in Arizona. My imagination was running wild about what was inside. I had never seen Alcoholly's lingerie before, but one time Erik was moving something in her closet and a whole bunch of it fell on his head. He couldn't ever really talk about it without becoming nauseated. My sister, Caitlin, even came over to watch my mom open it! (Ironically, my Dad was at work.)

Now, here's the disappointing part of the story: It really wasn't that exciting.

In fact, after we opened it up, Caitlin put it on and ran around the house singing, "I Could Have Danced All Night," because it wasn't all that funny. You know, like this -

As a bonus, Alcoholly included this big pair of purple Granny Wide Sides, which are made to look even bigger in this picture since Caitlin is a size 14 in girls.

So, now you know how I spent my summer vacation.

*Mostly because Kathryn sent me a sweet death threat if I didn't post anything new.


  1. Missed you at camping! So when do you want to come visit? :)

  2. what??! The black underwear she gave me were more scandelous!

    I am SOOOO happy you posted again!!!! and this post made me laugh soo much!

  3. and p.s.
    the bit about Erik and the lingere... BAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

  4. Welcome back to blogging...you have been missed. Hilarious post!!

  5. Oh how I have missed you! I can't stop laughing about Erik!

  6. I just had Bryan read this post. His response: "Well, now I have to go scrub my mind." Man, what would Alcoholly do if she ever found the internet?

    I'm glad you're back. What did you do with all that non-blogging free time? Free time, I think that's a myth...

  7. I wish I had an Alcoholly in my life. The closest to one I've got is Jake's dad and he lives in Ohio.

    That nightgown is a little racy though isn't it? It looks sheer.

  8. Glad you're back. Love the granny-pannies!

  9. oh wow. This kind of stuff only happens in funny movies.....

  10. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I have missed you so much. I'm glad you're posting again--or at least that you posted this amazingness. :) Thanks for sharing!

  11. I really wish we had danced around to that song and taken a video. POST MOREEE!!!!

  12. Reminds me of the Grandpa of this girl I dated in High School. I was over at her house watching T.V. and he brings in a basket. I assumed that he was folding laundry or something. Next thing I know he's tossing some lacy thing over the leg of the girl I'm dating and flat out asks me how nice she'd look in this if we got married. WHAT THE FRACK!!!! It was deceased grandma's teddy!!!!!!! This post on Alcoholly brought that bad memory back that I thought I had scrubbed from my mind forever. The guy was a preacher at the Assembly of God church and didn't like Mormons too much so maybe he did it on purpose to scare me away. I didn't seriously date another non LDS girl again after that experience.

  13. I needed a good laugh today. Thanks for blogging again!

  14. Such a great post-- I love Alcoholly! You girls all crack me up. So much.



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