CHRISTMAS HANGOVER

Kaci asked if I was dead because I haven't blogged in awhile. Nah. Just suffering from a Christmas hangover of sorts. We got home from Camarillo on Saturday night and it feels like there is so much to do around the house. Anyway, here is a Christmas recap -

What happens when you take an exotic vacation and get a fancy new car all within 3 months of each other?


Your husband gives you Art Illuminations for Christmas!

Not familiar with Art Illuminations? Art Illuminations are these cheesy breathtaking 11 x 14 framed landscaped pictures that can be plugged into the wall. Once plugged in, certain parts of the picture lights up. The light is realistic because it is real light. (Incredible.) The waterfall even kind of shimmers like "real water." It also has little speakers that make bird and "outdoor-sy" noises. They are mainly sold at K-mart. In fact, at our K-mart they had a wall display from the floor to the ceiling of Art Illuminations. (We live in an Art Illuminations kind of town.)

Giving me the gift of Art Illuminations was actually a good move on Erik's part. There have been too many Christmases in the past when I would be forced to smile through clenched teeth, "You spent how much money on what??" At least Art Illuminations was only $15 and he saved the receipt so that I could return it yesterday. He thought he was so funny.

Besides that lovely gift, Christmas was a blast.

Luke dressed up like a funky shepherd and actually kind of participated in this year's annual Nativity Re-enactment on Christmas Eve.

On Christmas Day we played The Beatles Rock Band all day long. I thought we would get sick of it, but we never did.
Then, so that we wouldn't feel like total losers, we pulled ourselves away from the Wii and went down to the pier to watch the sunset. Charlie held Gramps' hand almost the entire time and walked the whole thing.


I held on to Luke's hand for dear life because I have this fear of him jumping off the pier. He tried a few times, but failed, fortunately.

MY CHRISTMAS CARD

December 23rd and you know what that means...

It's time to start feeling guilty about not sending out Christmas cards!

Everyone does Christmas cards...


I love this oldie (but a goodie) from Britney and K-Fed before she went psycho. So, naive. They didn't have any idea what the future had in store for them.

Evidently, the Jonas Brothers do Christmas cards through Snapfish. Who would have thought that with all that money, they would have to do some budget thing like Snapfish?

Then, here's one from the Governator. I think they use Crest White Strips. What do you think?

I'm digressing....

I don't do Christmas cards for many reasons. First, they are expensive and I am a cheapskate. Second, if you read my blog then you are probably tired of me by the end of the year. I figure that I am doing you a huge favor by not sending you a Christmas card. Finally, I feel like I am bragging if I do a newsletter with the card. My life isn't as blessed as someone like TAMN or the Kandells, but 2009 was a really good year for us.

However, I love getting Christmas cards. I display them in our house. I get mad when people don't include more information about what they did this year with their cards. I oooh and ahhh over how cute the pictures are. Truly, I am a taker and not a giver when it comes to the Christmas card/family "newsletter" tradition.

So, here ya go. If you want to display it (and you know you do) you can print it out. No newsletter. If you're really dying to know how we're doing you can read the blog archives or email me with a question. Just a nice little family picture with a genuine message -

Merry Christmas!

COME FLY WITH ME

On Saturday, the kids and I met Erik at the airport down the street from our house. He's about 90% done with his pilot's license and he spent Saturday flying all over the place trying to complete some of his final hours. I'm proud of Erik. This is something he has wanted to add to his list of hobbies for a very long time.


Whenever people ask what our hobbies are, Erik has never had a problem rattling off a list of things that he is interested in. Erik even has a place on his resume for his hobbies (and I quote, "Student pilot; Surfing; Scuba Diving; Kiteboarding; Snowboarding; Photography; Salt Water Reef Aquariums; Currently restoring 1941 Oldsmobile.") If I listed my hobbies on my resume, it would say, "Planning Vacations I will Never take, Being Sarcastic, Changing Diapers and Playing Scrabble on my iPod." Not exactly interesting dinner conversation.

I'm not sure if I was just born boring or if it happened when I started having kids. Either way, it's been on my mind a lot lately. I need something interesting. Erik says I should write a book about teenagers and vampires, except that, unfortunately, this idea has already been taken by a Mormon housewife. Maybe teenagers and wizards? Snap! That one has already been done too.


Something else on my mind is how to celebrate the completion of Erik's pilots license next month. Besides the obvious (acquire more life insurance), I'm thinking of throwing a party. I'll keep you posted.

GONE FISHIN'!

I am really looking forward to Christmas. I need to feel some peace and hope in my life. Lately I have felt like I am in one of those movies where the "Spirit of Christmas" will solve everything. We'll be happy, drink hot chocolate, it will start to snow, an angel will get his wings... and everything will be alright.

One thing that does give me hope right now is this CD -


If this CD can make it, anyone can. I have a friend that I thought might hate me, but I wasn't sure. Then, for Luke's birthday, she gave him this CD. I figure she must hate me because why would you give this to a friend? The truth hurts, but not as much as listening to the "Thomas and Friends Singers" sing such hits as "You Can't Judge a Book By its Cover" and "Gone Fishin'!" This (along with Alvin and the Chipmunks) is some of the worst "music" I have ever heard. I mean, I would rather listen to that Hulk Hogan CD I got for my wedding. It's that bad.

Whenever I listen to it, I imagine all these British stage mothers waiting in the wings. They're yelling at their primadona children to enunciate better on the "Thomas Theme." Then a producer with bad teeth (he's British) over-synthesizes their voices with a drum machine on his Casio. A huge record company buys the tracks and sells them to gullible American consumers.

So, forgot about Obama giving you hope. Listen to a Thomas and Friends CD. Anyone can make it big. ANYONE.

APRONS

I had a very bizarre day yesterday. That's the bad thing about a public blog. It was so bizarre that as much as I would love to write something about it, I really shouldn't.

Many bloggers claim only to appear narcissistic online because it is their "journal." Really? (As if that is an excuse for being narcissistic.) Blogging is not my journal. There is so much I don't write about. I didn't go into detail about the women at Luke's preschool on Thursday who made me cry. Or tell you about the argument I had yesterday with my husband. The problem with a blog, as opposed to a journal, is that it is public. I'm pretty sure we are all pretty selective about what we choose to disclose online. So, what I'm really saying is that I don't have an excuse for being narcissistic. I won't apologize for this being about ME ME ME. After all, it is called, "Tales of an Ordinary Housewife."

So, instead of telling you what really happened yesterday (don't worry, nobody died), I'm going to keep it light. You know, I need to keep up appearances of normalcy here.

Have you ever heard the quote by Erma Bombeck that trying to clean with children in the house is like trying to shovel snow during a snowstorm? Amen, Erma. So true. Amidst the chaos yesterday, my 9 year old next door neighbor climbed into our backyard and played with my kids for an hour and a half. It was a dream come true since it allowed me to clean the house without interruption. Of course, it's 10 a.m. the next morning and the house looks messier than before I started cleaning.


I recently read The Art of Homemaking by Daryl Hoole. Best. Book. Ever. It was very inspiring. As mentioned in the book (and pictured above), you will notice that the key to being a successful homemaker is wearing an apron. Aprons are more than just a fashion statement. They are a way of life. According to Ms Hoole, the pockets can be used to hold all sorts of stuff. My friend, Sommer, gave me one a few months ago. I wear it when I need to feel productive. The only problem is that the pockets aren't deep enough. I can only fit so many shoebox sized Little Tykes trucks in the pockets as I am cleaning up through out the day.

Trying to clean a house with little kids is like life. You'll probably fail, the house will probably never be or stay completely clean, but you keep trying anyway. How was that for introspective?

BLUE CHRISTMAS

Do you think it is tackier to bring an Elvis ornament that sings Blue Christmas to a white elephant gift exchange or steal that Elvis ornament back for yourself at the end of the game?

I can't decide. I did both tonight. So either way I am T-A-C-K-Y. I don't get why more people don't bring funny ornaments to exchange. I always think "white elephant" means funny, but no one else takes the game that way.

On a totally unrelated note, today the title arrived for our new car. I hired a babysitter so that I wouldn't have to take the kids to the DMV (a brilliant idea) to register it. I had heard about this mythical DMV about 30 miles away from us that was supposedly never busy. Turns out, the myth is TRUE. I arrived at this DMV (sans appointment) with only 3 people in line ahead of me. A DMV with no real line is definitely bizarre. Registering a car in California isn't supposed to be that efficient. It felt like the twilight zone.

Also, I discovered today that our car gets 41 mpg on the freeway. I didn't think it was possible to love it anymore than I already do. Ahhhhh.

TRASHED OUT

It was a bad day for all of us.

Today I felt like a complete failure as a homemaker. I just can't keep the house clean. The kids wouldn't stop screaming and fighting. We had an "incident" trying to bring the groceries in from the car today which ended in Luke climbing on top of the car and 4 gallons of milk scattered all over my driveway. Charlie fell down and bumped into things more times than I can count. It was bad.

I needed to feel better about my life. So, I did what anyone would do in my situation. I threw away my kids' toys.

Bye, bye toys!

I didn't throw away all of them, but enough to make a big dent. I couldn't stand all the little toys that don't belong to anything. In the past, I have tried rotating toys or storing some up high. Neither of these solutions seemed to work. I don't care if the kids like their toys. The kids in Tonga were fine playing with sticks and coconuts all day. Mine should be okay with that too. (Don't worry, we still own enough Geotrax to finance Luke's freshman year of college.)

Boo-hoo.

So, I did it. I'm donating the trash bag of toys to the thrift store tomorrow. Charlie wasn't happy about it, but he hasn't been happy about anything lately. All that mattered was that I felt better. Can I throw the dirty dishes away now too, please?

TIME BOMB

Would it be so bad if I stopped eating meals with my kids? My experience tonight just about solidified that thought for me. Charlie has turned into a nightmare. If there is one thing on his plate he doesn't like, he throws it across the room. I'm tired of picking up tiny pieces of pork off the ground and cleaning scrambled eggs out of Luke's hair. It's very scary to serve food to Charlie. He's literally like a ticking time bomb. When he's finished eating, he throws his remaining food too. I'm at the point where if I could either nurse him or give all his food to him intravenously, I would totally do it.

I've read the statistics about the importance of eating together as a family, but I wonder if when those writers said "family" they meant toddlers. I highly doubt it. I just don't know if I can live like this anymore.

Here's my plan -

Erik and I nibble on goldfish crackers and raisins until the kids are in bed at 8 p.m. Then we have steak or lobster by candlelight. We do this every night. We are happy. End of plan.

Sounds good, eh?

BABY GOT BACK

My sister recently told me that one of her favorite games to play with the kids she nannies is "Dance Party." I said, "Really? That's a game? Dance Party is my life."

I was serious. We really do have music playing all the time. I like Pandora (when they're not shoving Michael Bublé down my throat) and Playlist.com is always a winner. Outside of my family, very few people have witnessed my full blown dance party. I'm usually too embarrassed to really let loose in public, but at home it's like I can't stop dancing.

So, here's a glimpse into our personal lives... what really goes on in our messy house when we should be cleaning.

PETE AND RE-PETE

Meet Pete and Re-Pete -


Luke goes out in the snow. So, Charlie goes out in the snow.

Luke announces that he has to go potty. So, Charlie announces that he has to go potty.

Luke screams. So, Charlie screams.

Luke says, "I don't want to." So, Charlie says, "Iduhwahtoo."

Luke goes to preschool. So, Charlie cries because he can't go to preschool.

This, is my favorite -


I put Luke in time out. So, Charlie moves a chair next to Luke and puts himself in time out.

I wonder how long this will last.

MORE SPACE NERD STUFF

Yay for Erik!

I just wanted to give a little shout out to Erik! He had another really hard day at work yesterday. Lots of people think Luke is making it up when he says his daddy is building a spaceship.

Also worth noting. Erik was standing near Governor Schwarzenegger last night (HELLO? WHY DID YOU NOT TAKE PICTURES OF THIS FOR MY BLOG??) and he's the same height as Erik. Fascinating! No, seriously, that is really interesting.


So, let's review what Erik has learned from building a Spaceship so far -

Harrison Ford has a sweet airplane with really expensive headsets.
The Laker Girls are really young.
How to hold a flashlight.
The Governator is only 5'10".

I can't even imagine what he's going to teach us next!

MUST BE SANTA

Me in 1988, Age 10

Every family has their favorite Christmas traditions. Ours is taking really awkward pictures with Santa Claus.

Me in 1990, Age 12

Similar to trick or treating, I think there should be an age limit to sitting on Santa's lap. My parents obviously didn't agree with this school of thought because today I found 5 pictures of myself, ages 10 and up, sitting on Santa's lap. I know I'll do anything for a candy cane, but seriously, someone really should have intervened. It's really embarrassing now. Take away the Santa suit and it's just plain awkward.

Me in 1993, AGE 15!!!

Every time I see this photo of my 15 year old self sitting on Santa's lap, I want to literally reach into this picture and physically remove that girl from his lap. My memory is a little fuzzy, but there is no doubt in my mind that I was by far the oldest kid standing in line. So pathetic.

Yesterday we visited Santa Claus. Since Luke is only 3, I'll cut him a little slack. I love the awkward look on his face. Yes, Luke, it is awkward sitting on a strange man's lap. I agree!

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

It's that time again... the time of year when I feel intimidated by the beautiful Christmas trees and tastefully decorated homes of my friends. The time of year when I have resigned myself to putting up our lousy fake Christmas tree again because I am a cheapskate.


Since Charlie is walking this year and spreading "Christmas Joy" (ornaments) around the house, I'm past wasting money on shatterproof ornaments for him to lose in the backyard. Let me introduce our tree this year, brought to you by The Dollar Tree -

Ah, ain't she lovely? I let the kids decorate it and since neither of them can reach the top, there isn't anything up there. Okay, truthfully, I lost our angel, so I'm going to have to go out and buy a new one. The kids really did decorate the tree though.

Despite being able to have a lovely tree, I do love Christmas with little kids. They are so easy to please. No requests for iPods or computers to satisfy. I know they will be thrilled when Santa fills their stockings with cheap dollar store toys and candy. If only adults and teenagers were that easy to please!

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY

I have looked out my window about 20 times this morning. Yes, it's still there. It's really there!!

Remember how I always wanted a Jetta? Well, I decided that I would "settle" for a Passat.


This a big deal for us. I have wanted a "new" car for a very long time. I'm not joking when I say that Erik's definition of new is anything after 1990. My definition is anything in the 2000's. Either way, I am happy to report that Sister Crisco has entered the 21st Century. We bought a 2004 VW Passat Sedan TDI off of Ebay a couple of weeks ago and it finally arrived last night from Maryland. It's a little nerve wracking to buy a car without test driving it first, but it's better than we thought it would be! This makes 4 cars total that we have bought off of Ebay. Yay for Ebay.

I can't believe that I get to drive around a car that isn't 19 years old anymore. Don't get me wrong, the Mercedes was great, but that car was a loud diesel. It became a running joke how many "concerned" people told me, "I think something is wrong with your engine" and I would have to say, "It's a diesel." Erik even had the employee at the Taco Bell drive-thru tell him that once and he was so annoyed, he just drove off without buying anything.

So, now I get to blend in with everyone else on the road. I get to have cup holders and window controls that are on the doors, instead of the center. I get to drive a diesel that whispers instead of roars. Now, the real question is how to keep it from getting trashed out by the kids. Maybe I will cover the seats with plastic wrap. I'm serious.