MY MASTER PLAN

This week, I developed a master plan that will allow us to go on another big vacation. It involves convincing my mother that my kids are actually really easy to watch. This way, when I want to plan my next trip, she will have no problem wanting to babysit them. It's genius, I know.

Tonight I began stage 1 of my master plan: Subtle Suggestions.

I called her tonight and casually mentioned how easy it is to do things with Charlie and Luke without help from another adult. Consequently, during those 5 minutes that I was on the phone with her, the following happened -

Charlie intentionally hit Luke in the head with a shower squeegee.
Luke locked himself in the bathroom and got water everywhere.
Charlie hit the computer keyboard so hard that it messed up the desktop.
Charlie threw a temper tantrum when I took him away from the computer.

I didn't think much of it until my mom pointed out that they must not be as angelic as I claimed because she could hear me banging on the bathroom door. Agh! Foiled! Next time I will call her when they are asleep.


Seriously, though, look at these sweet boys. You really think they'd be that difficult?

I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE

I have decided that I hate Halloween. Does that make me un-American? Do you hate me now for saying that?

The main reason for my contempt is Luke's Halloween costume. Why I ever thought that making a homemade costume was a good idea is beyond me. What was I thinking? I should have just told him no and gone down to the store and picked out whatever was on clearance.

This is a picture from last week right after Erik cut the box for Luke's robot costume. I painted the box silver today and tonight I will be gluing on robot parts and lights. My only consolation is that it will be somewhat dark while he is wearing it. Last night at the Dollar Tree I found robot hands and a hat. I was really tempted to buy their robot costume. It looks cheap, but I don't care anymore.

What has happened to me? When did I become such a grump about this holiday? I don't like things that bring out my inferiority as a homemaker. I do not bake cute spider cakes or intentionally decorate my house with fake cobwebs (we have enough real ones already). I feel like too many things associated with Halloween are to impress other parents. Kids do not care if a cake is perfectly decorated to look like a pumpkin or if their costumes come from the Pottery Barn. I just need to make it till Friday when we will go to Disneyland and then the day after that will be Halloween and then it will be all over.

Speaking of Halloween, I would also like to clarify something. This is a pumpkin patch -

Notice how Luke picked this pumpkin up with stuff attached to it?


Those places in the middle of cities with pumpkins neatly laid in a row on the cement that I keep seeing on your blogs are not pumpkin patches. Sorry, I just had to say something. It's driving me nuts!

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET?

Here's a secret: I am awful at keeping secrets. If you do not want anyone to know your secret, I am the last person you should be telling anything to. I just don't have a lot of self-control when it comes to secrets.

Yet, there is one big secret that I have (somewhat) managed keep this year and I am very proud of myself. Everyone knows now that Erik's Aunt Doris is getting married, but I have known since February that she was talking to/hanging out with/dating her now fiance, Clarke, and it has been killing me.

Erik and I with Doris at our wedding in 2001

This was such a huge secret because it was about a 62 year old woman who had never been married before and we all know that an unmarried woman over the age of 60 has a greater chance of being killed by a terrorist than getting married. Most people just assumed that Doris would never marry. Even Doris, herself, thought she would never marry. Ironic that this is the same woman who has sacrificed her time and talents for everyone else around her to have a dream wedding. I can think of at least 20 weddings where Doris has played a key role. Finally, it's her turn and I have a feeling that Doris' wedding is going to be huge.

No, that's not a hotel. It's in someone's living room.

Speaking of huge, this weekend was Doris' bridal shower where I, along with 83 of her closest friends and family, gathered together to celebrate her. Thank goodness it was held at a house that was literally 9 times the size of my house.

Since Doris and Clarke have everything they could ever want, the guests pooled their money and gave them "date nights." Everything from movie and theatre tickets to a weekend away. It was so much fun watching Doris open everything. (This box had some lingerie!!)



It's hard for me not to get emotional when I think of Doris getting married. It's less than a month away now!

Congratulations, Doris and Clarke!

SICKO

Candace frantically called me this week to ask if Erik was beating me. Leslie asked if Erik hacked into my account. Others questioned my sincerity. That is because my Facebook status was -

Cristin has the best husband in the world. Sorry everyone else.

Is it that rare for me to show true appreciation towards my husband? Why do so many people doubt his abilities as a spouse? Am I really that sarcastic all the time?

(Those are rhetorical questions.)

The reason for this unusual declaration of love was quite simple. For the past 6 days, I have had a severe case of the flu and Erik has stayed home for two days with me this week to take care of the kids. In all honesty, being commanded by a doctor to stay in bed and not do anything has been a bizarre fantasy of mine for a long time. Yet, when the doctor gave me my diagnosis on Monday, I started bawling uncontrollably. "I don't know what I'm going to do with my kids!!" I cried. "I can't lay in bed all day long and do nothing!" He told me to get it together, pull my mask over my face and send my husband and kids in to get checked for the flu.

My mask was white. I wish I could have found one like this.

When Erik and the kids went in, the doctor told him sternly, "You need to stay home and take care of your family." Erik responded, "She cried, didn't she?" According to Erik, the doctor didn't even crack a smile, but instead handed him a family medical leave form. Note to self: It's good to cry in front of doctors.

Laying in bed all day wasn't as great as I imagined. It was hard not to intervene while Erik was taking over my responsibilities. Sometimes he did funny things like make strange food combinations for dinner (steak quesadillas, zucchini, and french bread), but I learned to just shut my bedroom door and ignore. I watched a lot of television, a lot of movies, read a lot, and played scrabble on my iPod. Believe me when I say that I had never been this sick in my entire life and that includes getting Le Kalingadongo from eating bad pizza on my mission.

However, here is the great news. Erik went back to work today and I feel good. Not perfect yet, but I feel like I am getting there. I'm still trying to take it easy for another day, but it's hard not to do things around the house when I feel so fantastic. The best thing is that I won't have to wear that little mask anymore.

That is why I love my husband. He let me lie in my bedroom for days while he took care of everything on his own. I know I would not have gotten better this quickly without him (oh, and Tamiflu, you helped too). Although a public declaration of love from me may seem unusual, understand that when I make one it is completely merited.

OH, HAPPY DAY

Did you know that the cell phone you receive when signing a 2 year contract with a cell phone carrier is programmed to self-destruct at the exact 2 year mark? I know because I have been sticking it to the man by not renewing my cell phone contract for the past 2 years.

It hasn't been easy sticking it to the man. There have been a few times that I have almost succumbed to the pressure and just renewed my contract with Verizon or *gasp* switched to AT&T, but what happened today made all the suffering with old crummy cell phones worth it.

I finally have a new phone without signing another cell phone contract. Yay!

Of course there is a catch. It is Alcoholly's cell phone.

I wish I would have known that Alcoholly was going to dispose of her phone 3 days after she purchased it because she couldn't figure out how to charge or use it. I would have encouraged her to get a popular and expensive cell phone. Unfortunately, that is not how it worked. A few months ago I took her into the Verizon store and asked for the perfect cell phone for really old people who do not know how to use a cell phone. This is what they gave me -

The Samsung Knack!

First of all, there is no camera. The buttons and text on the phone are huge. You can turn up the volume louder than any phone I've ever used in my life. The side is color coded. The best part is that there is a big 911 button right in the middle of the phone. I am already predicting that this will be Charlie's favorite button to press.

However, it works and it is new. I am not complaining. Take that, MAN!

YOU'RE KIDDING

Do you remember this?


Well, today Luke turned the little play thing on it's side and would have climbed over the fence had I not grabbed his ankle as he was going over.

Only heaven can help us now.

FALL

I love fall because I can wear sweaters and coats and Ugg boots and scarves and hats and designer jeans and long johns and orange and mittens and raincoats and wool socks and closed-toed shoes and flannel pajamas and huge headbands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just kidding.

Why do you people like fall? Everyone's facebook status/blog keeps singing the praises of fall. I don't get it. Fall is cold. It means to me one thing: Nylons at church!

I hate nylons. (I don't do the nude colors, just black.)

Some people say that you should never wear nylons (or PANTYHOSE), but those people are crazy. That's like wearing shorts in the snow. Some people say that you should only wear tall boots with wool socks when it is cold, but those people obviously don't have skinny calves that make it impossible to find a good boot. My mother is the only person I know who says you should wear nylons all the time. "It prevents varicose veins," she tells me. Too late, Mom. I already got them.

Don't even get me started on how much nylons cost. I probably go through about 1 pair every 2 Sundays. If my kids don't claw them with their fingernails, I snag them with my wedding ring.

No one ever talks about nylons, which leads me to believe that I am the only one still wearing nylons. Another clue was when I was at the grocery store the other day and there was a whole shopping cart full of really good nylons for a $1.00 a box. I felt like I had won the lottery. I only had enough cash on me to buy 5 boxes. The next day I went back and there were just as many nylons in that cart as the day before. Maybe I really am the only one buying them. Yet, if that was true they should always be on clearance. Right?

BEING HAPPY

The other day I caught myself telling someone that "I finally feel in control of my life." It's true. I am happy with my weight, the kids are usually in bed by 8 p.m. and my house is only partially a disaster. Our lives are very full. I should be happy, but I'm not. I miss being on vacation so much, I can't stand it.

Here's a confession: In the nearly 4 weeks since we have been home, I have been gazelle intent about saving money. I check Travelzoo every day for any type of travel deal. I don't even care where I go. I just want to go somewhere amazing. I'll even take the kids. Alright, that was a lie. I don't want to take the kids, but if I had to, I would.

Maybe I'm so sad because I know that we probably won't go on another vacation like our last one for at least another 4 years. Getting time off from work, begging someone to take our children, being responsible with our money... the list of reasons is long.

This time last month... oh, Queenstown.

All I know is that it hurts, like a kind of post-partum trip depression. I ache inside when I think about what we were doing this time last month. Tonight Luke said, "I want a bedtime story about when Mommy and Daddy were in Tonga and I was at Gramma and Gramps." I almost started crying. There has got to be a way that I can be happy without having a trip to plan and look forward to. Right?

FOREVER

I totally cried. Reminder to self: Jim and Pam are not real people.

STRIKE A POSE

I believe that all children are beautiful, even the funny looking and ugly ones. However, what separates the kids who are models/actors from the rest are their ability to smile on command and work with the camera.

Take for example my niece, Audrey -

Cute girl. She knows how to take direction, smile, and work with the camera. Basil chicken burgers with pesto mayonnaise sound nasty, but somehow with Audrey in this picture, I feel compelled to eat one.

I've often thought that If I didn't live so "far away" from Los Angeles, if I wasn't so lazy, and if I had more of a desire to make my child a model, that I could probably find Charlie a little bit of work.

He loves the camera. No, really, it is not normal how much this child loves posing for the camera.

He will stop whatever he is doing and smile for me if I am holding the camera.

Luke, on the other hand, suffers from the same disease that I do. No, not psoriasis, I'm talking about the inability to take a good picture.

If only Luke could stop what he is doing for 30 seconds.

They are brothers. I promise.

QUIET ENJOYMENT

My mom is famous for saying, "I feel like I am camping," anytime she cooks in my kitchen. You'd think this would offend me, but when we used to live in our little house, the kitchen stove actually was a camping stove ripped out of an RV. Today, though, I really do feel like I am camping in my house.

Call me a spoiled princess, but I really like indoor plumbing. Stuff like flushing toilets and washing machines are really cool! This is in the forefront of my mind today because we have not had running water since yesterday evening when our landlord announced that we have a broken pipe. This happened on a day when I was questioning why we are losers who do not own a house and then I find out that our rental home is sitting on a sink hole. Maybe sometimes renting is not so bad.

You may think that having no water does not seem like a big deal, but it is actually quite stressful for me. Is this what it feels like to be handicapped? I must throw a bucket of water into the toilet before flushing it. I haven't taken a shower since yesterday morning and the kids are starting to really stink. (Baby wipes just aren't cutting it.) I'm brushing my teeth with a bottle of water and washing my hands in a large bucket that is sitting in the tub. I feel like I'm living in Tonga.

I didn't think it would be so bad until Luke came into my room at 9:00 last night and his hand was covered in poop. Then he grabbed me with the poopy hand. No amount of hand sanitizer can make that right. To make matters worse, after cleaning the poop off of Luke (and myself) last night, I threw the dirty washcloth into a bucket of water and Erik unknowingly used that same washcloth on his face this morning. If my husband never speaks to me again for that alone, I'll understand.

HEART ATTACK EXPLOSION

Erik doesn't really cook, he barbecues. He is actually pretty good at it too. You may remember that when I went on my Momcation this summer, I knew he wouldn't really cook so I supplied him with lots of hot dogs and sausage so that he would eat while I was gone. I thought eating hot dogs and sausage all day was disgusting until Erik made the infamous Bacon Explosion for us.

(Yes, it really was as disgusting as it looks.)

For those of you not familiar with the Bacon Explosion (and really, why would you be??), it consists of 2 lbs of italian sausage, 2 lbs of bacon, and a jar of barbecue sauce.

Typically, this bacon quilt is supposed to roll up and be the size of a football, but the idea sounded so disgusting to me, that fortunately I convinced Erik to half the recipe. Erik complained that halving it would make it too complicated as it would require him to change all sorts of other things in the recipe. I replied that it's a good thing he builds rockets, or I don't think he could handle the math.

The Bacon Explosion is a very time consuming process. He had to consistently turn it during a period of two hours. The anticipation was killing us, okay, him.

The reason I rip on this recipe is because it is 5,000 calories. Believe me, I am not disputing that bacon tastes good wrapped around everything, but 2 lbs of it? Ew.

Erik tested the recipe on some friends. Hmmmm. I think their expressions are saying, "Thanks for the heart attack," but that's just a guess.

BUBBLES, BUBBLES

I am convinced that Luke has some (not so) secret vendetta against Charlie.

On Friday, when Erik and I were both home, we caught Luke running around in the backyard laughing. He had locked Charlie in the shed. The shed for which we have no key.

Fortunately, there is a little window. We opened it up and strangely enough, Charlie seemed very content to be standing barefoot in the dark shed. He was even pointing at dust balls floating in the air saying, "Bubbles, bubbles!"

True to form, when I took the camera out, Charlie even said, "Cheese!" It was really tempting to just leave him in there. I mean, he seemed so happy.

Yay for little windows!

THIS IS WHAT WE DO

Ever since we cut the cable, Erik and I have taken to watching television series on DVD or online. We are currently on Season 1, Episode 5 of Mad Men. *Ugh* As much as I want to love this show, I keep waiting for these characters to redeem themselves and they're not. In fact, they are getting worse. Too depressing and yucky. I need a series that doesn't cause me to think that Erik is pulling a "Don Draper" on me every time he has work late.

I want so badly to find good television to watch. I love being able to watch whole seasons of shows on DVD. It's one of the few things that Erik and I enjoy doing together. Now, with Lost entering it's final season at the beginning of next year, I'm afraid that there will be this big dark void that not even Glee can replace. Maybe Erik I need a pastime other than television on DVD. Or please tell me there are some good shows that I should be watching.