THE KALINGADONGO

The bad news is that Luke has the Kalingadongo.

The good news is that he is doing it in the toilet! [Cue the celebratory music and confetti!]

I can't believe how different it is to have a kid who knows how to put the Kalingadongo in the toilet. It almost makes having a sick child enjoyable. Who am I kidding? I love the fact that he has taken naps for the past two days!

Haven't heard of the Kalingadongo? Ask my dad. He's the one who told me about it when I was growing up. I'm guessing he had a lot of experience with it.

The symptoms of Luke's Kalingadongo are persistent diarrhea and throwing up. The cause of it is unknown, but I have a gut feeling that it has something to do with his over consumption of milk or maybe from drinking old milk out of a sippy cup.

Luke doing the gallon challenge.

When I went to the doctor today about Luke's Kalingadongo, I asked him how much milk was too much for a 3 year old and he wouldn't answer the question. He just kept saying that he should drink 2%. Maybe I should have been more specific, "Is a half gallon a day too much milk for a 3 year old?"

Either way, I am trying to help Luke to cut back. It'll be a long road to recovery, but the first step is admitting that you have a problem and if anyone has a problem with drinking too much milk, it's definitely Luke.

MUTINY

I realized today that if I were alone with my kids in public and both of them decided to throw their worst temper tantrum at the same time, I would crumble. Just their intensity alone would be enough to overtake me. In the past few days I have had to do at least 4 elbows to the groin to get them to sit in their car seats while being buckled in... but hey, who's counting?

Luke cried for over 30 minutes straight yesterday because I cleared his plate while he had left the dinner table to play. Seriously, this temper tantrum went on for so long that I had to start using the Bradley Method in order to endure his non-stop screaming.

Charlie's temper tantrums are a little less complex than Luke's. Let's see, this afternoon there was the one about not being able to play in the toilet and another about not being able to play in the refrigerator. I'm sure there were more, but those are the few I can remember.

Except, I have discovered that the one way to get Charlie out of a tantrum is to bring out the camera. I'm not kidding. These two pictures of him were taken within 15 seconds of each other. That little boy sure loves to pose.

PARANOIA, PARANOIA

Yay! We found him!

I thought I had experienced some scary moments in my life until I lost Luke at the beach yesterday. He was only gone for 15 minutes, but in that short amount of time I literally freaked out. I started crying, screaming for help, shaking... I kept imagining his little body floating in the water among all the other people playing in the waves. I even ran to the lifeguard station and asked them if his body would wash up if he had been caught in a wave. (Their answer, "Maybe.")

When Erik finally found him, he was just walking along the beach looking for us. Now, the day after, it seems kind of silly that I got so worked up over 15 little minutes, but a lot can happen in 15 minutes at a crowded beach to a wandering 3 year old. Even worse, my mind had 15 minutes to think up every possible worst case scenario.

For Only $169.95, you too can be an overbearing and paranoid parent!

Today I'm debating whether or not to buy a child locator. I can't believe I am turning into one of those mothers. They're expensive, but, as they say, "your child's safety is priceless." (Next thing you know I'm going to be buying bullet proof backpacks and tissue box nanny cameras too.) The hesitation I have about buying this child locator, besides spending $200, is that I got lost a lot as a kid and survived. Everyone I know did. Isn't this a normal part of childhood? Or couldn't I just tie a long rope around him too?

I am also concerned about trying to calm down enough about losing Luke so that I can enjoy going to public places with my kids again. Later yesterday afternoon, I returned to the beach to find my sister-in-law laying out, with her face down on a towel, eyes closed, while her 3 year old played around her. I wish I had that kind of confidence in my kids!

TWO KIDS IS TOO EASY

Victory! As I mentioned before, I successfully managed to fly home with Luke and Charlie without any major catastrophes. Of course, it's not like I would choose to travel with them every day. It reminded me of taking them to the grocery store. I don't like to do it, but if I must, I will do it.

If I were to have live blogged the trip, you would have read something like this -

10:00 a.m. - I show Luke this movie about airport security.

10:30 a.m. - Luke runs around the house screaming, "We're going to take off our shoes! Take off our shoes!!"

11:00 a.m. - Luke asks, "When do we get to take off our shoes?"

11:30 a.m. - Luke asks, "Mommy, are you going to take off your shoes?"

3:00 p.m. - Arrive at airport. Luke takes off his shoes. I tell him to put them back on until we go through security.

3:10 p.m. - Get to the ticketing counter and Luke demands that I take off my shoes.

3:15 p.m. - I check in and ask if my mom can accompany me at the gate. The ticketing agent acts as if I am asking her to buy cocaine and obstinately says, "NO!"

3:30 p.m. - Say goodbye to my mom. Go through security. Luke finally gets to take his shoes off. My heart is racing. I hate holding people up in the security line. As soon as I get through security, I sit to help Charlie with his shoes and people push me out of the way in order to run to their gates.

3:45 p.m. - We find our gate and divide the largest ice cream possible between the 3 of us.

3:50 p.m. - A mother travelling alone with 4 small children passes by me. I feel incredibly guilty for thinking that I need help. It has been confirmed: I am truly a wuss.

4:00 p.m. - I take Luke to the bathroom. He tells me that his poop looks like a snake that we saw at the zoo.

4:05 p.m. - After he goes to the bathroom, Luke sits on the floor in the stall to pull his pants up.

4:45 p.m. - Board plane. We are illegally placed in an exit row. I don't say anything, neither does the flight attendant.

5:15 p.m. - Waiting on the runway. Luke screams, "This is stupid." People around us snicker.

5:30 p.m. - Luke almost spills apple juice.

5:35 p.m. - Luke spills an entire cup of ice on his lap and screams that he needs a new seat.

5:40 p.m. - Luke and Charlie fight over the iPod.

5:45 p.m. - Charlie eats a handful of playdough.

5:50 p.m. - At the insistence of the flight attendant, I let Luke and Charlie run to the back of the plane and up again.

5:55 p.m. - Luke and Charlie screaming at each other.

5:57 p.m. - The flight attendant approaches me and rubs Charlie's leg. However, half the time she misses his leg and accidentally rubs mine too. Awkward.

6:10 p.m. - We land on what Luke refers to as the "Airplane Freeway." Success! I swear to never do this again by myself.

BAD BOYS

[I survived the plane ride. More about that tomorrow.]

Here is a perfect example of why I hate the Today Show.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I hate to admit it, but this study is dead on. I can't think of a single Luke (with the exception of Luke from the Bible and Luke Skywalker) with a good reputation. In fact, we actually named Luke after these bad boys -

Cool Hand Luke

Luke Perry

Luke from the O.C.

Thank you, Social Science Quarterly, for doing this study. This finally explains why our Luke is such a handful joy!

THE PEP TALK

Dear Me:

I am trying to find the nicest way to put this.

You're kind of a wuss when it comes to doing things by yourself with the two kids. Suck it up! Tomorrow you are going to fly home with Luke and Charlie. You've done harder things in your life, so stop freaking out about it. It's only two kids. Besides, what is the worst that can happen?

[Luke has an accident in his pants. Charlie has a blow out in his pants. You lose the pacifier. You forget to bring a change of clothes for both kids. You lose Luke at the airport. Charlie screams the entire time on the plane again. You are delayed for hours on the runway. You wet your pants.]

Whatever happens, you'll get through this.

Here's the game plan -

1. Pay the extra fee to check on your luggage.

2. Fight those voices in your head saying to keep Charlie's car seat with you just in case there is an available seat for him on the plane. You don't want to have to carry a lot of stuff around the airport. The kids will be enough.

3. Be calm going through security. Just act as if Luke will not run away from you, even though you know he will.

4. Bribe the kids with whatever you can. Carry lots of candy. When I say candy, I mean real candy. Not fruit snacks.

5. Let Luke watch Handy Manny 50 times on your iPod if you must.

6. Act calm. The kids are like dogs. They will sense your fear.

7. Do not let Charlie out of the stroller, whatever you do.

8. Go to the bathroom before you get on the plane. The last thing you need is a 25 lb. toddler bouncing on your full bladder for an hour.

It's only a 59 minute flight! You really are a wuss. Good luck!

Love,

Me

WAKE UP CALL

I returned home from momcation for 36 hours and then hopped back on a plane with Charlie to pick up Luke in Phoenix. I'll be here for a couple of days enjoying the beautiful weather with my parents and then home for a few days before going on another vacation.

I thought that being reunited with my kids would be a difficult shock after the glory that was momcation, but it really wasn't. The [sad] reality is that once you have been initiated into motherhood, you can not go back to the naivete of your childless days. In other words, even when I am on vacation, I can never really be on "vacation."

Take for example - sleeping in. My kids have not only ruined my bikini body, but my internal clock is crushed too. Prior to having kids, I easily slept in till 11 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Now? No way!

When I first arrived at Kelley's house, she said in all seriousness, "Let me explain to you our schedule. We go to bed around midnight and wake up at 10:30 a.m. every morning...."

I started laughing. "Wait. 10:30 a.m.?!?!?!? Is this for real?"

Kelley was not laughing. "No, this is real."

No matter how hard I tried to sleep in, I couldn't do it, even with a 3 hour time difference. Every morning I found myself lying awake at 7:00 a.m., desperately trying to go back to sleep. As is everything else in life, this was all the kids' fault.

Nevertheless, I will try my best to get over my hard feelings towards the kids for ruining my inability to sleep in so that we can enjoy our limited time together here in Phoenix.

Charlie playing in the water.

Oh, how I love when Luke dresses himself!

DAY 3

Today was the day that I wondered if I was really related to my sisters. I love history and museums. It is actually overwhelming how much there is to see and do here. Kaci, on the other hand, told me that she has decided that she doesn't really like "historical vacations" that much.

Oh well.

I decided to haul "Paris and Nicole" off to Gettysburg anyway.


While I was contemplating the great sacrifices made for our country, my sisters entertained themselves by doing photo shoots. This has kind of been a running theme through my momcation. For example, I have to admit that I was very grateful when the Holocaust Museum said "No Photography Allowed," or I'm sure Kaci would have found a way to photograph Kelley posing in a concentration camp uniform. No joke, it's that bad.

Gettysburg was beautiful though, so I can understand why they wanted to take so many pictures.


Kelley and Kaci both agreed that Kelley looked like she was in a Ralph Lauren catalog in this one.


Then we went and got some crabs because that is what you do in Baltimore. Except, I think that next time we will get crabcakes because crab legs are a lot of work for a little meat. It was very frustrating.

THEN, after dinner I suggested we go to an art museum and Kelley told me that she was "all cultured out," which I think meant that she was too tired to do anything... that is until we said we would go to Nordstroms Rack and then she perked right up.

DAY TWO

Today was the day that we discovered the subway. I love the subway. It was more expensive than driving, but I would have paid double just to not have to drive in the city again.

We went to the Capitol, Kaci let me put my arm around her!

Kelley couldn't take her face spritzer into the Capitol so she hid it under the liner of a trash can. After our tour, she came and picked it out of the trash. Nice.

On the way home, Kaci stood like this for over 30 minutes...

on her tippy toes. It's hard being 5'3".

DAY ONE

Here's a quick recap of my first full day of Momcation.

We enjoyed the view from the Lincoln Memorial.

Discovered that Five Guys really is better than In-n-Out. (Sorry, California.)

Pretended to get lost.

Then we really got lost trying to find our car. In this picture, Kelley and I are studying a poorly made bus map. Talk about a tense situation! Here's a tip: Take the GPS everywhere. I'm just sayin'.

MOMCATION 2009

Tomorrow I leave on Momcation 2009. I like writing 2009 because it makes it sound like I will be doing this every year, when in reality, I will probably only be taking a trip without my kids and husband about once a decade.

I'm a little nervous. This is the first time I will be leaving Charlie for more than a day.


I've been a little psychotic trying to get everything ready for Erik and my friends who will be watching him while Erik is at work.

I didn't realize how OCD this was, until I took this picture. I went through all of Charlie's clothes and put one outfit in each plastic bag. This way Erik can easily grab something for him to wear in the morning. Can you tell that I am nervous about leaving him? It's not that Erik isn't capable of taking care of him, I just worry that Charlie will give him a hard time.

As for Erik, I'm not one of those wives who makes and freezes meals for him to eat while I am gone. I asked if he wanted that and he said that he wanted hot dogs. So I went to the store and bought a couple of different variations on the hot dog. Between this and Taco Bell, he should be alright.

So, that's it. I'm good to go. Tomorrow I leave to meet my sisters in Baltimore. Special thanks go out to Erik, my friends, my parents, and especially the Pennies from Heaven for making it all possible.

Momcation 2009, here I come!

THE HIGH LIFE

Someone recently told me that she admired how I never said that one kid was easy. She said that most mothers with more than one child will make comments about how easy it is to have one kid. I thought that was a funny thing for her to say because I absolutely think all the time that one kid sure is easier than two.

I know that I'm right about this. People who tell you otherwise are either lying or have forgotten what it is like to raise children. Or maybe it's just my kids that don't get along.

My wonderful parents took Luke home with them to Arizona until next Wednesday and I feel like I am on vacation. I have all these projects I want to complete during the next few days before I go to Baltimore. It sure is easy to get things done without kids fighting and tormenting each other all day long.

Charlie seems really happy without Luke. I let him drink out of Luke's precious Superman cup.


Then, I let Charlie play with Luke's trains. He was in heaven. Luke would kick Charlie in the head if he saw this picture.

Don't get me wrong. We miss Luke. Please believe me. It's just sooooooo nice not to have as much fighting and screaming in the house between the two boys. If anything, this is inspiring me to really try to help them to play nicely together.