PERFECT FORM

Charlie Learning to Walk Last Week

It's official, Charlie is finally walking everywhere without sticking his arms straight up in the air. Although we were so excited last week when he started doing it, I couldn't understand why he would feel that raising his arms directly overhead would give him great balance.

Watching him walk like that reminded me of a gymnast in competition. I like to call Charlie's walking strategy, the "Mary Lou." (Or for you younger folks, the "Shawn Johnson.")

Luke thought it was so funny. He would follow Charlie around the yard mimicking his perfect form.


Poor Charlie. He walked like that for so long that his arms were stuck that way. (Don't worry, like I said, he's better now.)

RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN

A picture of me on Day 1. Yeah, right.

I have decided to run a 5k on Memorial Day.

*Gasp* A 5k?!? It's so far!!

Well, for me, it IS far. I am like a Biggest Loser contestant trapped in a 120 lb white girl's body. I do not exercise. I blame my weight problems on my parents. Seriously, Ron could probably beat me in any sort of physical challenge. (It's that bad.) I eat a big bowl of ice cream every single night. My mother refers to it as "skinny fat."

I would have started training sooner, but last week I was deathly ill. All the women that came over to my house for playgroup today will be happy to know that it was not the Swine Flu like I previously thought. (Have you checked out this list of Swine Flu symptoms? It is way too vague. Lethargic? I'm ALWAYS lethargic.)

This is the plan: I start out slowly to avoid any injuries, but not so slowly as to not be running at all. Tonight I ran a mile around our city high school's dirt track. The cold wind was pounding against my face and I kept anticipating some sort of wild animal attack. Every time I heard a suspicious sound, I would turn down my iPod and listen very intently for a coyote or angry dog. I do not like running out here in the middle of nowhere, but the next four weeks don't merit buying an expensive treadmill.

Lots of people say they are going to run a marathon. This 5k will be my marathon. When it is over, I will go back to being lazy.

THERE'S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE

This Saturday we spent the Day Out with Thomas! Now that it is over and I am almost $100 less rich, I have decided that I do not want to be the kind of parent who spends hundreds of dollars on an outing for her 2 year old son.

The whole concept is that you get to ride the real life Thomas the Train. You can only begin to imagine how many fanatical train obsessed preschoolers this event attracted. (THOUSANDS.)

Here is Thomas pulling into the station. [Cue the Beatles Mania -esque screaming! ] Erik pointed out to me that it was just a dummy engine.The Island of Sodor is so magical that they don't even need real engines to pull a train.

The tickets to ride the train were $18 a piece. Then, it was $20 if you wanted an official picture with Thomas. The real suckers were the people who paid $20 to get their photo signed by Sir Topham Hatt. Seriously? He's not even a real person.

I was really disappointed that you had to pay to get a picture closer to Thomas. Here was our free "unofficial" picture behind the white picket fence. This reminded me of the time I travelled all the way to Stratford-Upon-Avon to visit Shakespeare's birthplace only to discover that it was too much money to enter his house, so I didn't go in. True story.

The gift shop put me over the edge. Hundreds of parents spending hundreds of dollars on overpriced train stuff. I wanted to scream, "You can buy it cheaper online!! They sell these shirts at Wal-mart!" I doubt anyone would have heard me over all the kids screaming though.

One of the "free" activities were numerous train tables set up around the train station. The best part was that they made the obnoxious parents stand behind a fence while the children played. It was genius, really. All the parents could do was point and scream, "Johnny, grab that piece. Don't hit him. Stick up for yourself! Put the track back on!" One woman actually said to Erik, "Is your son the blond boy? He's kind of a bully."

The train ride was about what I expected. 30 minutes long going 5 mph. We passed a hobo sleeping in an abandoned train car, illegal aliens picking vegetables and a tunnel marked up with graffiti, all set to the Thomas and Friends Soundtrack blaring over the train's speakers.

Luke's cousin, Wyatt, came along for the fun. They held hands everywhere. I loved it. This really was like a rock concert for them.

Enough with being cynical. It was actually a very good family outing, I just do not want to turn into one of those crazy parents who spend big money on their oblivious 2 year old. (Good thing we don't have big money.) Erik, if you ever catch me acting like that, the code word is Thomas and I will stop, take back the excessive gifts, and regroup.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY

It's official. I have a 1 year old and a 2 year old now. It sounds harder than it really is. Charlie started walking everywhere a few days ago. (I may or may not post a video for the grandparents when I have time. We'll see.)

Did you know that Albertsons will give you a free 9" round birthday cake for your child's first birthday? When I ordered it a few weeks ago the bakery lady asked me what I wanted on my second larger cake and I said, "Do I have to get a second larger cake?" She said no. So, take that, Albertsons! I guess not many people have small 1 year old birthday parties these days.

We dressed Charlie up in the traditional Korean 1st Birthday clothing because he is half-Korean. No, really it just gives us something fun to do on his birthday. It's tempting not to post 500 pictures of him in this outfit because he is so cute in it.

He chose the money and the banana. Translation: He's going to be rich and have many children.

The beautiful free cake from Albertsons. We didn't even eat half of it! Oh, how I love free stuff.

HAPPY ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS DAY

Today is Administrative Professionals Day. I hate this holiday.

Secretary's Day, I mean, Administrative Professionals Day, was a big deal when I was working. We'd sometimes get flowers, maybe a card, and always a free lunch. I hated being recognized as a secretary. It was bad enough that this was what I was doing with my life, I didn't need to be reminded that I was not living up to my potential.

The longer I worked as a secretary, the harder it was to escape the "profession." My skills kept improving. I typed faster, answered the phones better, and took directions easier. Whenever I applied for a new job, I was tempted to fail the typing test on purpose and fudge my career history just so that I wouldn't be pegged as a secretary.

The job that put me over the edge was performing mundane secretarial tasks and personal errands for the senior partner of a law firm. Each morning I would find a small cassette tape on my desk filled with dictation. Sometimes the dictation would be editing contracts, but mostly it contained personal emails intermingled with requests to order paperback books off the internet, find someone to tune his piano, or pick out a gift for his daughter. Although I was grateful for the job, the banal assignments left me feeling hopeless and belittled. I couldn't believe that I had gotten a bachelors degree to do this.

One perk to being this man's secretary/personal assistant was that I had a lot of down time with no supervision. So, I decided to enroll in an online 9 month paralegal certificate program. At least now I was exercising my brain while I was at work. I finished the program and got a paralegal job that was more fulfilling. I finally enjoyed going to work, it was nice.

Despite my wonderful new job, Secretary's Day would roll around each year to remind me that as a paralegal, I was really just a glorified secretary... an underling, the lower tier, the hired help, the less educated, the "girl"... I couldn't ditch the feeling that as long as I was even a glorified secretary, I was not living up to my potential. I wanted to be giving flowers on Secretary's Day to my secretary, not the one receiving them. (I am fully aware of how ungrateful I sound.)

Me at Work in 2004. No, we didn't have a uniform, we just liked black.
Elaine went on to get her masters degree and Katie is now in law school.

Sometimes when the kids are screaming and I've had no sleep, I really miss being a paralegal. I miss talking to clients, organizing boxes of discovery, and drafting documents that will never be accredited to me. I miss interacting with adults and having meaningful conversations.

However, while working I rarely felt like I was living up to my potential. This all changed when I became a stay-at-home mom. I finally feel like I am doing what I was born to do. I am no longer hopeless about the future. One day I will go back to school or work and figure out what I want to do for a career, but I can say with 100% confidence that being a mother is what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

To all the admin pro's, I hope you are enjoying the free lunch and attention today. You deserve it. For me, though, I do not miss Administrative Professionals/Secretary's Day one bit.

UNANSWERED PRAYERS

Erik, his then Girlfriend, and Me with a Bad Dye Job in 1997

Erik and I have a very "unique" relationship in that we were friends for a long time before we got married. In other words, we know most of each other's ex-girlfriends/boyfriends very well. I know some of you might find this odd, but since we are now all mature happily married adults, we still keep in touch with many of these ex's. It has never felt weird or strange, that's just the way it is. (Speaking of which, happy birthday Ben! Count your blessings you guys didn't come this weekend because we had Pink Eye!)


Country music was inescapable growing up in Arizona. If I were to admit that I liked country music (and I'm not going to), I would say that one of my favorite country songs is Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks. I'm sure you've heard this one. Garth goes to a football game and sees his old girlfriend. They have nothing in common. He looks at his lovely wife and says, "I'm so happy to be married to you. God knows what he's doing after all." Nice, huh? Just in case you haven't heard it, here's Garth himself -



When I was single and always heartbroken, my one consolation was turning to my roommates and with a knowing look saying, "Unanswered Prayers." That was the code for "One day you'll be glad he dumped you."

We have all had experiences like this. Whenever my Dad tells the story of running into a former girlfriend from high school it always ends with, "... and she was as big as a house!" I give thanks every day that I'm not married to a D-List celebrity or an Old Man. In all fairness, I am sure that most of my ex's are grateful not to be married to a pop culture obsessed woman with an obnoxious blog.

The internet is a crazy thing in that you can have lots of "Unanswered Prayers" moments. Last night I caught Erik sitting at the computer singing, "La la la, unanswered prayers, la la la," while he scrolled through blogs and Facebook profiles.

While it was funny and all, I did say, in defense of our fantastic ex's, "I bet our old boyfriends/girlfriends look at our Facebook profiles and sing Unanswered Prayers too."

Erik responded very seriously, "No, not really."

That's why I love my husband. We both agree that it is better to have high self-esteem than none at all.

SAY CHEESE

QUESTION:

The above picture is:

a) My Mug Shot
b) My "Before" Picture
c) A Convict's Wife
d) My New Passport Photo

If you answered D, you are, sadly, correct.

I went down to Walgreens last month to get my new passport pictures taken. I smiled right before the employee snapped the photo and she sternly said, "NO SMILING." I almost snapped back, "Hey, this isn't 1850. It's okay to smile." However, I didn't, and this is what I got - a cross between a mug shot/Extreme Makeover Before picture.

Don't worry, it's a done deal. I got my new passport in the mail this week. I only have to keep this picture for ten years and seriously, how often do people look at your passport? (In my case, not very often.) It could be worse, it could be my drivers license.


Speaking of which, here is my current drivers license picture. I didn't think it was that bad until I was shopping at Target and the cashier actually said, "Whoa. That is a bad picture. No really. That is bad." Uh, thanks?


The winner, of course, is Erik's senior high school i.d. card photo. He said this was on purpose. Yeah, I meant to take all those bad pictures too.

NO SEXTING ON THIS PHONE

I got my "new" phone in the mail today. It's about time. I've been using Erik's old phone with a broken screen. Since I can't see who's calling me, I pick up each call. Once I activate my "new" phone I can go back to screening my calls and using Slydial to return calls. Then I will never have to talk to anyone ever again.

So, are you ready for this? For a point of reference, this is Erik's phone -
This is my phone -


I know, it's very sexy. (The antenna is the funniest part.)

See, here's the deal: I signed a 2 year contract with Verizon 3 years ago. That contract is now month to month. I don't want to sign another 2 year contract. Apparently, their cell phones are programmed to self-destruct around the 2 year mark so that you are pressured into entering into another 2 year contract to get a "great deal" on a phone. I found this one on Ebay for $30 (including shipping!) So, yeah, take that Verizon!

The only downside to sticking it to the Man is that I have to have a dorky cell phone. Of course, if I ever really want to look cool, I'll just hold up my iPod Touch to my ear and pretend to talk into it.

It's so hard being this unmaterialistic.

NOT SO DECEPTIVELY DELICIOUS

Once upon a time, I was worried sick that my child was going to die of malnourishment. I spent hours trying to find creative ways to sneak vegetables into his applesauce/brownies/cheerios. No joke. I remember taking a carrot and covering it in Cheerios on more than one occasion. Of course, Luke just spit out the carrot and ate the Cheerios. Can't fool my kid.


Jerry Seinfeld's wife even published a book called Deceptively Delicious which tells you to do funny things like cram vegetable puree into chocolate chip cookies. This method really appealed to me, until I came up with the revolutionary idea to just give my kid the actual vegetables. I mean, if your child is only eating vegetable puree hidden in brownies, will he ever eat a real carrot if it isn't disguised as something sweeter? I really feel like people make things more complicated than they have to be sometimes.

I am happy to report that after months of offering Luke vegetables, he eats them now without any reservations. I may not be successful at many things, but at least my kid loves salad without ranch dressing. It's amazing what he will eat. In fact, the other day we didn't have any other food in the house, so for lunch I sauteed some leftover frozen shrimp. He ate almost this entire plate! Fancy picnic, huh?

I WANT CANDY

I love candy. This is all my mother's fault. When I was a kid she would make us do weird things like drink Hot Carob instead of Hot Chocolate and trick-or-treat for UNICEF. So, obviously, I want the forbidden stuff. Today has been torture for me. I have been staring at this bag of Easter candy all day. Why do I want to eat something that is a) so bad for me and b) will make me feel sick?

I reviewed the nutritional facts on the See's Chocolate Butter Egg that I just consumed (excuse me while I pick chocolate flakes off of the keyboard) - 270 calories, 140 of which are fat. That's not as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe I'll eat another one.

Easter was great. Here are some random pictures.

Erik and the kids. Yup, this is why we don't have a lot of family pictures.

Me and the kids. We'll blame their inability to sit still on the candy.

I love this picture. Luke and his cousin, Wyatt, actually get along really well. When we say things like, "Wyatt, put your arm around Luke for the picture!" He puts him in a headlock and smiles big.

I can't remember the last time I posted a video of myself on here (it's always the kids), but I haven't had this much fun in a long time. As I said, I LOVE CANDY.



I hope your Easter was wonderful too!

TAKE TWO

When I told my mother I was pregnant with Charlie, she said the polite things you are supposed to say when your daughter tells you she is expecting -

"Oh, that's nice."
"I'm happy for you."
"Really, that's nice."

Although, after Charlie was born she made it clear what she was really thinking -

"Your kids are too close together in age. The perfect time to introduce a new baby is when your older one is 2 years and 9 months. Something magical happens when your child is 2 years and 9 months old."

[Coincidentally, my younger sister and I are 2 years and 9 months apart.]

Luke on the Train at the Santa Barbara Zoo, March 2009

I wish I could say that my mother was wrong, but *sigh* she's right. Luke turned 2 years and 9 months old a few weeks ago and suddenly he really is easier than Charlie. It's incredible. I took him visiting teaching with me yesterday and he played quietly the entire time. He even cleaned up the toys at the different homes we visited. At Alchoholly's last Friday, he was such a pleasure that my grandmother wrote me a letter to tell me how wonderful Luke was turning out. My Luke? The crazy, locked me out of the house and was eating cake with a butcher knife kid?

Last month, I finally returned to Storytime since our embarrassing experience two years ago. It's a whole new world. Luke sat quietly today and listened to the story. He interacted with the storyteller and even sang the songs with her. It's unbelievable, really.

Charlie Dressed Up as Our Cousin Vinny, March 2009

Now, on the flip side, Charlie is out of control. I spent Storytime letting Charlie push the stroller up and down the aisles of the library. If I would stop, he would scream. He's not fully walking yet, but he makes up for that by climbing everything. He loves to throw his food off of his tray and yell, "Uh-oh!" He puts his hands in the toilet any chance he gets. He messes things up and Luke cleans up after him. All I can think is, "What the heck? When did Charlie turn into Luke?"

So... this has led me to decide that Luke really wasn't that bad and Charlie really wasn't that great. It's an age thing. At least for MY kids it is. My mother tells me that 4 year olds are very "agreeable." Assuming that she is right about everything now, I can't wait!

GO TO BED

When Erik and I were first married we got in an argument about how many kids we wanted. He thought that six sounded like a nice number and I wanted no more than four.

Oh, we were so naïve.

This morning I called up my pregnant friend and asked if I could watch her two boys for her so that she could rest. My friend seemed fine when I picked up the boys, but then three hours later I got a call from her husband that the baby was born. I couldn't help but laugh. Who wouldn't want a labor like that? Nice and fast.

So, alas, here I was with FOUR children under the age of four all day today. Let me tell you. Kids are not all they are cracked up to be. I am tired and the day is still not over. There are dishes to be done and toys to be picked up. I can't figure out how to get Luke and his friend to sleep. They are both so excited to be in the same room. I tried my hardest to tire them out today, but it's 9:15 p.m. and I can still hear them jumping on his bed. I have a feeling it's going to be a very long night. Heaven help us.

How do people have more than one kid? How did the pioneer families sleep in one room log cabins? How is it possible that I function on 5-6 hours of sleep every night without naps? I think I'm slowly losing my mind.

A special shout-out goes to my mother-in-law who raised NINE children, including five children in a 7 year span. I suddenly feel very guilty for having her watch our children for two weeks in September, but the tickets are non-refundable so what can I do?

LIAR, LIAR

This conversation has become commonplace most weekday mornings -

Luke: Where's Daddy?

Me: At work.

Luke: He's flying the spaceship?

Me: Yup.

Luke is obviously confusing Erik's weekly flying lessons with his job. The worst part is that I am playing along with this.

I know this is going to backfire on me someday. Just wait, ten years from now Erik will be asked to speak at Luke's school about his many "travels to space" and we'll have to tell Luke the truth. This will cause him to grow up with an inability to trust people, which will lead him to never marry and never hold a job. He'll turn to a life of alcohol and drugs, which will ultimately cause him to be homeless. This will all be because I never corrected him on what his Daddy really does every day when he was 2 years old.

Why is it okay to lie to child about certain things, while other things are wrong? The Santa Claus/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy myths are perfect examples of socially acceptable lies which people find cute. Yet, telling a little boy to stop touching his "wee wee" or it will fall off is considered mean and threatening. Speaking of which, I need to get off the computer and go get Luke out of the bathtub.

GOOD FOR YOU GUYS

There is this joke among certain people we know that Erik and I show no public affection. Not true! Here is a picture from over 7 years ago on our wedding day -

See. I told you we loved each other. There were like 100 people watching us kiss.

I suppose it's normal to worry about a couple if you never see them showing any signs of affection towards one other. Some public displays of affection, such as hand holding and a quick kiss, are quite sweet. However, that's where I draw the line these days. No need to make other people feel uncomfortable. Oh, how I wish everyone felt the same way I did.

One of the worst PDA's I have ever witnessed was seeing a boy dance with his girlfriend (who was in a wheelchair) at an LDS Young Single Adult Dance in Santa Monica many years ago. You could tell that he really liked this girl and it was obvious that she really liked him. What was not obvious was if he was performing a lap dance on purpose or if it just came across that way because she was in a wheelchair. (Either way, they were able to get away with it because she was in a wheelchair and the last thing anyone was going to do was to tell the girl in the wheelchair to stop dancing.)

The worst PDA offenders are engaged couples. Candler was really bad when they were engaged. They couldn't even sit at a table normally. One would always turn their chair to face the other while the other was eating. Another bad couple were my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, Christian and Emily. We would be having a normal conversation when suddenly one of them would turn to the other and begin "nuzzling" the person's neck or face while we were trying to talk. I got it. You dig each other. Fortunately for both couples, they got married and "got it out of their systems."

Married couples are usually pretty good... sometimes. A month before we left Provo, a newlywed couple moved into the apartment directly across from us. One day I noticed a huge sign taped to their front door. It read something like this -

"Dear Hunka Hunka Burning Love,

I am your love slave. Whatever you want, I will do. The handcuffs are on the table. You are so hot. Be mine tonight.

XXOO,
Love Slave"

I thought they would be embarrassed and take the sign down immediately, but they left it up for over a week. The inevitable awkward encounters with them occurred on the stairwell soon after. It took everything in me not to call one of them "Love Slave" each time we passed.

So, back to those of you who say that Erik and I need to show more public displays of affection towards each other. Well, I'm going to do something different. I may not write mushy declarations of love to my husband on my blog, but tonight I am going to say the most romantic thing possible to him, in public. I don't care if it makes any of you feel uncomfortable. Here I go -

Honey, I'm excited about your new fish tank.

OUR FIRST ULTRASOUND

Most of you probably don't know (including my husband), that we're expecting twins! This is a picture from our 15 week ultrasound. I can't wait to have 4 kids under the age of 4. It's going to be sooooooooooooo awesome.

Just kidding, April Fools! Oh, ha ha ha. Whoa, I'm so funny.

I love April Fools day. I love playing tricks on people, but I hate having a trick played on me. (Yes, I am one of those people.)

When I was in 3rd grade I showed up at school with crutches because my "ankle was sprained." My teacher looked me in the eye and said, "Cristin, is this a joke? It's April Fool's Day. Be serious." I said, "No. This is not a joke." I had to sit out of recess and P.E.., plus someone got assigned to carry my stuff for me everywhere. At the end of the day I threw the crutches on the ground and walked out of class. Ha ha, April Fools on them.

A little over a year into our marriage we told Erik's mom and sister, Ditte, that I was pregnant. The best part of this joke was that Ditte called and left a message on our phone asking to know all "the details." We laughed about that forever. What exactly did she mean by "the details"?

On Sunday, Erik lost his phone after church. He dropped us off at home and then ran back to the church to look for it. I found his phone on Luke's bed and couldn't decide whether or not to call Erik (he had my phone) using the "Beeker from the Muppets" voice or "Mr. T" voice. I went with Mr. T. I said, "Um, hello, I found this cell phone." Erik said, "Yes, are you at the LDS church?" He thought I was someone else. (Mr. T, perhaps?) I laughed so hard about that one.

So, today is the holiday for practical jokes and I can't think of any good ones to play on Erik. Everything that comes to mind is far too mean.

"I'm divorcing you!"
"Your mom died!"
"The doctor called. You have cancer."
"I gave away everything that was in our savings account to my sister."
"I'm pregnant with someone else's baby."

In my ultimate April Fools Day world I would say one of these phrases and then wait a day to reveal that it was all a joke. You can see why I can't do this with any of my ideas. It would be bad, really bad. If only I could come up with something that was a happy medium.