GREMLINS AND MICROWAVES

Exciting news! I have decided what to buy with my Pennies from Heaven and it will not be a microwave! I've lived so long without one, that it doesn't really feel necessary for my survival. I make popcorn with an air popper, boil water in a tea kettle, and reheat leftovers on the stove. Our old house had a built in microwave, but even then I didn't use it very much. I prefer the taste of food reheated in the oven or on a stove top to the microwave any day.

I haven't always hated the microwave. My mother won our first microwave in a drawing at the mall when I was 7 or 8 years old. It was huge. I was super excited about our new appliance, until my parents laid down these rules -

1. Do not stare at the microwave or you will die.
2. Do not stand too close to the microwave or you will die.
3. Always keep a cup of water in the microwave in case it goes on suddenly. The cup of water will protect the microwave from blowing itself and you up.

Then they made us watch that part in Gremlins when they kill the Gremlins in the microwave.

Stupid Gremlin. Microwaves can kill you.

I remember as a child turning the microwave on and then quickly running to hide away from the box of evil until I heard it beep. As a teenager, my fear worsened when I started a fire in our microwave by trying to heat up a paper bag with popcorn kernels in it that I had stapled shut. However, what really put me over the edge was when my younger sisters wanted to "play restaurant" and they would make me the must disgusting cheese sandwiches in the microwave. (Anyone who has ever microwaved bread and cheese knows exactly what nastiness I am talking about.)

So, back to the Pennies from Heaven. (Now, remember, it's all in an Amazon.com gift certificate.) Did you know that you can buy groceries through Amazon.com?


Last night I purchased 6 boxes of Earth's Best Sunny Days Snack Bars for only $9.71 and 12 boxes of Annie's Homegrown Mac & Cheese for $11.13! (Both of those prices include the shipping!) While many groceries on Amazon are not cheap, occasionally you can find great deals like this.

So, here is the plan for my money. Every time I purchase groceries using the gift certificate, I transfer the money I would have spent out of the food envelope into my fun money envelope, i.e., I am shuffling money around. In the end I will have $135 to apply towards a trip to go visit my sister, Kelley, in Baltimore this summer! Yipee! Hooray for Pennies from Heaven!

PARTY PLANNING

Yesterday afternoon I caught Luke feeding chocolate cream pie to Charlie under the table. I should have been mad that Luke was sticking a fork so close to Charlie's eyes, but I was more angry that Luke ruined "it" for the rest of us. "It" is referring to that fun rite of passage known as feeding a one year old tons of garbage on his or her birthday.

Everyone handles this tradition differently. I've attended first birthday parties where the baby is presented with their very own Costco size sheet cake. For Luke's first birthday we gave him a cupcake. Whatever you do, the idea is usually the same. Parents like being able to feed their kids junk food without feeling guilty about it and 1st birthdays are a good opportunity for things like that.

I've been thinking a lot about Charlie's upcoming first birthday party. I'm not sure what to do for him. We're in a recession, so I'm trying to simplify things this year. For example, I will probably only hire the DJ for 2 hours instead of 4.

I thought it would be fun to center his whole first birthday party around things Charlie can eat when he turns one. Here's the menu I have come up with so far -

APPETIZERS:
Honey
Peanut Butter

LUNCH:
Potato Cheese Whiz Soup
Churros
Cheetos (the really hot ones)

DESSERT:
Deep Fried Ho Ho's with a side of Crisco

DRINKS:
Whole Milk
Kool-Aid

For his birthday present we will give him a gift card to McDonalds.

The only game will be watching Charlie taste all this junk food, guilt-free, of course.

Sounds fun, doesn't it?

A PENNY SAVED

I woke up this morning with the urge to do something crazy. We have been collecting our spare change for over a year now for no real reason. I dig into the change when I want to go to the bakery or buy a smoothie. Well, I decided today to cash it in. I know, crazy.

I called Erik at work and asked him how he felt about it. He said it was probably worth $20 and to go to lunch with the money. I guessed that the value was closer to $40. Either way, we agreed that the money would all be mine... all mine! [Insert evil laugh.] Are you ready for this?


Buttons - 3
Dollars - 2
Half-Dollars - 0
Quarters - 235
Dimes - 455
Nickels - 325
Pennies - 1275
GRAND TOTAL - $135.25!

I got it all in an Amazon.com gift certificate so I wouldn't have to pay 9% to Coinstar. Now I get to decide what to buy. I'm having trouble deciding between a microwave* or an air mattress. These are tough decisions.

One fear, however, is that if I continue to frequent the Coinstar machine, I may turn the kids and I into slot machine fanatics. Let me tell you, the sound of those coins falling into the machine is rather addictive.

*No, I haven't been drinking. It is true. I have been anti-microwave for years, but lately I've been thinking it might not be so bad to have one to heat up our leftovers more quickly. No one says I have to pass my weird microwave issues on to my children.

HAROLD AND MAUDE

Charlie and Alcoholly, March 2009

Alcoholly has been telling me for a few months that her psychiatrist is "interested" in her. I assumed she meant that he was "interested" in her as a peculiar patient until she started saying things like, "I know you don't want to hear these things about your grandmother, but I am a woman, darling."

Today she told me that her psychiatrist can not see her very often because it is "far too agonizing" for him. "As long as I am his patient, we can not have a relationship," she sighed wistfully.

I didn't say anything. The whole conversation was becoming too strange, even for my grandmother.

When I got off the phone with her, I looked up a picture of her psychiatrist to see how old he was.

The Lucky Doctor

What do you think? Maybe 35 years old? My grandmother is 80.

So, like me, you are probably laughing. As if a 35 year old man would be in love with an 80 year old woman! HA! However, what if this doctor is indeed in love with Alcoholly? Crazier things have happened. Do I have a duty to report his unethical behavior? Should I advise her to seek a different psychiatrist?

Harold and Maude sharing a passionate kiss.

Best of luck to my grandmother and the young doctor. It's a little too Harold and Maude if you ask me.

DVD REVIEW: TWILIGHT

There are probably about 1,000 people in the world (excluding North Korea) who have never read a Stephanie Meyer book. I am one of those people.* This was a conscious decision. Vampires do not intrigue me. Giggling teenagers clutching on to this book like it was their real life baby does not intrigue me. TEAM EDWARD shirts do not intrigue me. I love American Idol, High School Musical, Lost, and The Office because they do not include vampires. (Whether or not Lost includes vampires is highly questionable at this point though.)

So, it was with great trepidation that I watched Twilight last night. This was it, I was destroying my innocence. I would no longer by a Twilight virgin.

Really?!? This is what all the hubbub is about? Really?!!!

SPOILER ALERT. Oh wait, that is unnecessary since everyone has seen this movie or read the book except for me. Bella moves to Washington to live with her Dad. She meets Edward who always looks constipated. He's a vegetarian vampire. They kiss and sit in the top of a tree. Edward's vampire family drives really sweet cars and lives in a fancy house. Some mean vampires try to get Bella. Edward protects her. The end... or is it the beginning?

Edward looking especially constipated in this picture.

So, there you have it. I know that most of you will probably say that I need to read the books to gain a full understanding of what makes Twilight so wonderful. That might be true. However, I still don't get why everyone finds this story so fascinating.

When I think of people who are into vampires I think of those students who wear all black and practice their sword fighting skills in front of the Wilkinson Center at BYU. Although, in this case, that rule doesn't apply. Things don't make sense anymore. At least I can say I saw Twilight and I can move on with my life.

GRADE: B- (Cheesy and an admirable effort to make vampires appealing.)

*I did read 2 pages of Breaking Dawn last summer while camping, but that doesn't count.

GOING IN THE TRASH

Newsflash: I am getting rid of my What to Expect books!
Headline: They are stupid.

When I became a parent, I, like 7 million other similarly minded people, was under the impression that this was "the Bible" for new parents. I would follow along faithfully each month to see which milestones I could expect my child to reach.

Each chapter begins with something like this -

THE SIXTH MONTH

By six months, your baby... should be able to:

Breathe

...will probably be able to:

Eat

...may possibly be able to:

Walk

...may even be able to:

Say 500 Words

Note to readers: All babies reach milestones on their own developmental time line. If your baby seems not have to have reached one or more of these milestones, rest assured, he or she is not an idiot.

Do you get what I am saying? What is the point? I would rather measure my child's development against Molly Mormon Housewife's boastful blog posts about her kids than this vague and politically correct nonsense.

Something else strange about these books are the reader questions. New parents can be really dumb. Here is one example from What to Expect When You are Expecting (Page 132):

"I'm eager to eat well, but it's difficult to figure out what's in the products I buy."

Come on! Is reading the labels really so difficult for you that you had to submit this question to a parenting book? Who are these people?

I could go on about their bias towards the "Cry it Out" method or why is there a chapter on weaning your child from breastfeeding when they are 10 months old... but I will stop. True, there are some good things, such as, a reference guide for giving your child Tylenol and the conversion for taking an axillary temperature, but all of these things are on the internet. If anyone is interested in these books before I toss them in the trash, let me know.

CLOSE TO YOU

Charlie turned 11 months old today. I can not wait for him to turn one year old. Isn't that awful? I should enjoy him as a baby, but as his birthday approaches, all I see is freedom.

I always thought I would nurse my kids until they were 2. Well, nursing Charlie has been a nightmare. Thrush, psoriasis, more thrush, biting, refuses a bottle, more psoriasis, bleeding... I just can't wait for it to be over. The only reason I do it now is because I can see the finish line.

If I can hold off on beginning to wean him until he is one year old, I don't have to buy formula. Yes, I really am that cheap. Besides, how would I give the formula to him? He won't take a bottle. He's starting to take a sippy cup, but even that isn't consistent enough for me to leave him or pump.

On paper, I should be able to leave my 11 month old for 4 hours. However, this past weekend I tried to go to the movies without Charlie and 3 hours into it, Erik was flooding me with text messages about Charlie crying uncontrollably. It's things like this that depress me. I get such a sad feeling when I think that I can't go anywhere for more than a few hours without a baby in tow. I know this makes me sound incredibly selfish.

So, happy 11 month birthday, Churros! I can see the light!

OH SO HOT

The internet is a good medium for self-absorbed people to receive continuous approval and acknowledgment. I know this because I blog almost every day.

Occasionally, I upload videos to You Tube. The last one was this little snippet of Luke and Erik holding a burping contest.



The first comment for this video was -

"wow the dad is hot!"

Erik was obviously flattered by the comment, that was until I told him it was by a user called "misstisdaleboi." No one is quite sure if "misstisdaleboi" is a boy or a girl. All I know is that she/he loves Ashley Tisdale and Erik. So one thing is for sure, he/she obviously has really good taste.

FINE MOTOR CONTROL

I called my mother after reading the blog of my friend, Jessi.

Me: Mom, I'm really worried about Luke. He can't hold his pencil correctly, not even close. Jessi's little boy can write the word "goo." He's the same age as Luke!!

Mom: Not normal.

Me: Oh dear. Where did I go wrong as a parent?!? Should I have put Luke in preschool already? Should I take him to a specialist? Do you think he has a learning disability?! I don't know what to do...

Mom: He's TWO!

[Oh, how we should all be so blessed to have a mother who holds a Masters Degree in Early Childhood Education!]

A while later, Luke comes to me laughing and says, "Mommy! Charlie has funny pictures on his face!"

This picture doesn't do Luke's "funny pictures" justice. He drew all over Charlie with a yellow highlighter. Charlie, apparently, loved the attention.

And do you know what the best part is? I observed Luke's grip as he was desecrating Charlie's face and it was moving towards correct form! Way to go!

FOOD FUSSER

Rats in the Kitchen Are Only Cute in Cartoons

Yesterday I found out that the supermarket I shop at several times a week is temporarily closed due to rats.

This reminds me of the time we ate at BCD Tofu House in Koreatown and discovered they had received a C rating by the Health Department as we were exiting the restaurant.

OR the time yesterday when I found an ant in the butter I smeared on my roll after I had taken a bite.

OR the many times that I have found out after a delicious meal with my in-laws that everything I had just eaten was outdated and expired food.

OR last week when I discovered Charlie's poop on my hand after I had used my finger to pick something out of my teeth.

I don't think I will go back there for a very long time. Now I will be labeled a food fusser just because I don't want to eat rat poop in my ground beef. I wonder how many times I have eaten rat poop and not known it. Everyone knows that the easiest place to hide rat poop is in the ground beef.

Speaking of food fussers, I'm this close to posting a sign in our kitchen for our dinner guests that says, "Please do not cut minuscule pieces of fat off of your meat. It's driving me crazy." Big pieces of fat, understandable, but little ones?? Come on! That's the good stuff!

HERE BABY, THERE MAMA, EVERYWHERE DADDY DADDY

There were two things I made Erik promise me when we got married:

1. That we would never live in the desert.
2. That we would never give our children mushroom haircuts!

Me with My First Mushroom Haircut in 1980

My parents really like Mushroom Haircuts. I don't know why. Perhaps it is the simplicity of the cut, or maybe it is the gender neutral style. Either way, my sisters and I all sported the Mushroom Haircut during many stages of our childhood. Thanks Mom and Dad for having such style!

My Mom Sporting the Mushroom Haircut (With My Dad) in 1988

My Dad with the Original Mushroom Haircut in 1976

I got most of my Mushroom Haircuts at Fantastic Sams by a stylist named Bubbles. At the end of our session, she would put my hair in a box and make it magically turn into a lollipop. Very cool. When I was in Junior High I really wanted a perm to look like Mariah Carey, but my Mom vetoed the idea. She never told me why I couldn't, but I'm guessing the reason had something to do with a) Fantastic Sams didn't do perms and b) it wasn't a Mushroom Haircut.

My youngest sister, Caitlin, had the Mushroom Haircut for so long that despite growing up to be a really pretty girl, I still picture her today with this haircut when I am talking to her on the phone.

Caitlin with the Uneven Mushroom Haircut, Date Unknown

You would think that by the time I turned 21, I would stop getting the Mushroom Haircut, but old habits die hard. It was an honor to bring this family tradition with me on my mission.

Not So Happy Sister Mushroom Haircut, 1999

So, the torch passes to us! Since we don't have a Fantastic Sams in our town, Erik cuts our boys' hair. We recently figured out that the fastest and best way to cut their hair was to put them each in a sink and give them hair care products to play with.

Charlie was especially entertained by sitting in the sink. It was a very nice holding spot for him.

I hope that we never let our boys hair grow long enough for the Mushroom Haircut. I don't want the temptation of keeping up the tradition.

Although, I suspect that if anyone were to pull off the Mushroom Haircut well, it would be Charlie. I'm biased, of course, but he is turning into a very handsome little boy.

MEET UNCLE VAK

The greatest toy in the whole world is...

FISHER PRICE GEOTRAX!

I feel like I have been searching my whole life for this type of thing - something that will entertain my 2 year old for hours at a time and stimulate his imagination. It's only been 3 months since Luke received the Geotrax set from my parents for Christmas and I honestly can't remember how we spent our time before this lovely toy entered our lives.

Although Geotrax is just a basic train set, you can keep adding on to it by purchasing more track sets, trains and buildings. Now when I feel the urge to buy a DVD for my kids I just invest the money into more Geotrax stuff. In 3 months we have added 2 trains and 2 track sets to our original set, and I don't regret it one bit. These toys are very durable and well-made. I'm a little worried because Erik and I like playing with them too. (We're obviously not the only adults who like Geotrax. Check out this You Tube video of a great track layout.)

Luke loves his Geotrax trains so much that he sneaks out to play with them almost every night after we have put him to bed. When I want to take a nap in the afternoon, Luke keeps himself occupied by playing with his trains. Just in case I have not been clear, these trains are an excellent purchase.

My Brother-in-Law, Vaktung ("Vak")

His original Geotrax set came with these little people. I realized last month that Luke was calling one of them "Uncle Vak." I assumed it was this guy -

No. Luke calls this guy, "Yvonne."

Then I thought it might be one of these guys -

No. He calls these guys, "Keats" and "Jose."

Meet Luke's Uncle Vak -


When I asked him if this Uncle Vak was a boy or a girl, he said, "She's a boy!"

FRUMP NO MORE

I aspire to a lot of things... a clean house, well behaved children... but the thing that has been on my mind the most today is that I no longer want to be frumpy when I go to the beach.

May 2008
I am the frumpy one on the far left.

I was looking through last summer's pictures and while there aren't many of me, from what I can find, it's embarrassing. My clothes don't match and I rarely wear a bathing suit to the beach. I want to change that this year. There are no excuses. I'm not pregnant and I didn't "just" have a baby. I can afford to buy a new bathing suit and a matching cover up. (I better be careful what I write or people are going to expect great things when they see me at the beach.)

Bathing suit shopping ranks right up there with being around dogs, public speaking and childbirth for me. (All things that I don't like doing, but I know are completely necessary.) Whenever I try on bathing suits in the store I always stare at that sticker on the inside of the bathing suit's crotch warning you to keep your underwear on and wonder how many people really obey. Then I am grossed out and I go home with no bathing suit. I have not bought a new bathing suit in 4 years.

So this year, I am doing it online. I will just keep ordering and returning suits until one works. When I find the one for me, I will buy 3 in different colors in that style. (I'm not joking.)

So here is bathing suit #1 -

Merona Swim Dress from Target

One of the reviews for this one said -

"The suit is fine but if you are even slightly bigger than average you will end up looking like Grimace from Mcdonalds."

In case you forgot, this is Grimace.

Bathing suit #1 arrives in the mail sometime this week. I'm trusting that my husband will let me know if it passes the Grimace Test.

HOPE

Today I caught this paparazzi style photo of Luke sharing his crackers with Charlie -


Of course, Luke is feeding the crackers to Charlie like he is a duck, but this still gives me hope that one day Luke might be nice to Charlie all the time... maybe even treat him like a human eventually. I am hopeful.

YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME NOW

Children are excellent scapegoats.

If you want to leave a party early, not do your church calling, get off the phone, not shower, avoid your friends, or be a slob, blame the kids!

The kids are great excuses for other things too. For example, the economy is bad because my kids made me buy all this stuff I can't afford! Obama is president because only kids voted for him! See, it can work for everything!

A 5 Minute Toy Explosion! Blame the kids!

However, it has occurred to me this week, that I need to have some control. So, ladies, look in the mirror and repeat my new mantra -

I will control the chaos in my house.
I will control the chaos in my house.
I will control the chaos in my house.

[As I type this, Charlie is taking the books one by one off the shelf and throwing them down the stairs. Irony is so sweet.]

For example, if I don't want toys everywhere, I need to limit the toys! Duh! So, I went through and just started throwing things away. Why we were holding on to broken dollar store toys is beyond me. If I want Charlie to stop breaking our "unbreakable" Corelle plates, I need to either move the plates or put a baby lock on the cabinet. This is not rocket science.

Don't worry, this in no way means that I am going to stop using my kids as an excuse for all things. Bite marks on my nipples, lack of sleep, inability to have normal adult conversations... definitely the kids fault.

I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, BUT...

I took another trip down to Huntington Beach on Saturday to visit Alcoholly. My new goal during these monthly bookkeeping visits is to avoid screaming while I am in her presence.

This most recent trip can best be summed up by these three phrases -

"I'm not trying to offend you, but - "
"Please don't take this the wrong way - "
"I don't mean to be rude, but - "

While the above phrases are my three least favorite, apparently they are Alcoholly's favorite things to say, followed by strange comments like -

"If you don't do more things for yourself, you will resent your husband and leave him in 10 years."

"Erik is getting flying lessons, what are you getting... this awful car?"

"Your church teaches you to be submissive to your husband."

" You need to take better care of yourself, darling."

"You focus too much on your family."

"Are you allergic to make-up?"

The best was when she hugged me goodbye and said -

"Don't worry, darling, I still think you're beautiful."

I smile and pretend to accept her hurtful comments like I was hoping she would say them. Honestly, I'm starting to get really tired of having to act like I love being criticized.

Part of me feels like I am selling my soul by working for my grandmother. The other part doesn't care because I am going to use the money I earn from doing her bookkeeping to go on this really fantastic helicopter ride in New Zealand!

MOO

We eat a lot of meat. It is a very simple dinner. We throw it on the BBQ even when it is snowing and raining. Then add a salad, baked potato and some bread. Boom. Instant dinner.

However, after much thought, Erik and I have decided that we need to eat less meat, i.e., tone it down to one night of beef and one night of chicken or pork a week. Of course, we still might eat meat for lunch and breakfast, but at least dinner will be better. (Yes, this is bizarre coming from my husband who was a butcher when I married him.)

SO, what do people who don't eat beef and chicken eat?? I can grill salmon/shrimp and make bean burritos, but after that I am stumped. I want to have a good well rounded meal that is easy, cheap and nutritious. All ideas are welcome.

THAT WAS VERY DRAMATIC

[I can't help it, here are my thoughts on the "very dramatic" Season 13 of the Bachelor.]

Here are some clues that you should not get engaged to someone -

1. You are on national television.
2. The man use the phrases, "have a connection" and "follow my heart" excessively.
3. The man cries a lot.
4. The guy is THIS guy -

Jason Mesnick, Compulsive Proposer

WINNERS

Melissa's parents - Kudos to Melissa's folks for not wanting anything to do with this show. Can you blame them?

Jillian - Got out while she could and gets to be the next Bachelorette - SCORE!

Melissa - Doesn't have to move in with Jason and his brother.

LOSERS

Molly - No. Please don't take him back. Really?!?

Jason - Self-explanatory.

Me - I can't believe I watch this show. Somebody slap me.

THE SLIPPERY SLOPE

Luke sat through the entire hour of sacrament meeting today!! I can count on less than one hand how many times this has happened since he was born. Amazing! I owe it all to my recent birthday gift. Yay for the iPod Touch! Luke entertained himself with this Bubbles App for at least 20 minutes.

My sister-in-law, Kirsten, asked me last week if it was bad that she entertained her son with a game on her iPod during sacrament meeting. I said, "No! It's just like an extension of a coloring book. Don't feel bad!"

Well... now I am questioning my own practices. I got up towards the end of the meeting today to nurse Charlie and noticed that the 2 kids in the pew in front of us were playing games on iPods. My judgmental self immediately thought, "I can't believe their parents would let them play those video games during sacrament meeting!" Is the harmless bubble app really an "extension of a coloring book" or am I setting my 2 year old up to play video games during sacrament meeting for the rest of his life? I'm so conflicted. What if this is just the beginning of his video game addiction and then he looks like this kid -


I am at the point with Luke that I will do almost anything I have to do to get him to sit through sacrament meeting. I'm shoving fruit snacks down his throat and bringing a backpack with toys and crayons. I'm not sure if spending a load of money at Deseret Book for church themed activities is the answer either. Perhaps there is a religious themed App I could download onto my iPod? That would solve a lot of problems.