My sister-in-law, Else, called me this morning perplexed about what to wear during her upcoming water birth.

I feel her pain. After watching countless birthing videos, the last thing I wanted to be was the totally naked huge pregnant woman splashing around in the tub. I think Else's husband, Haans, described watching all those birthing videos the best when he said, "I am now one with the nipple."

It's just a hunch, but I think the last thing Stacy and Clinton will ever address on What Not to Wear is appropriate attire for a water birth. Since I like to fill a need when I see one, here is my list of what not to wear during a water birth. (This one's for you, Else!)

1. Absolutely Nothing. Wouldn't you like to take a few pictures of yourself while you are in labor that you can post online? It's bad enough that all pregnant women look like whales at the end, and then to be topless too... ew. Everyone knows that the most important thing about having a baby is looking totally hot while doing it!

2. A t-shirt. Besides looking yucky, it is going to be sopping wet and dripping all over the place if and when you exit the tub.

3. A tank top. I went the tank top route with Charlie's birth, and it was okay, but if I had to do it over again I would have worn a bikini top. The tank top can not fit over your huge belly anyway.

4. A sports bra. The exception to this rule is anything waterproof, except even then a sports bra seems too constricting. You need something that is waterproof and can be easily removed for skin to skin contact with the baby and to nurse.

[Wow, this post started off funny, but now it's actually becoming informative. That's funny!]

Another tip is if you want to not be topless during your waterbirth, put on your chosen top before you go into heavy labor. Everyone will make fun of you later if you insist on changing your clothes to look better during labor, so just make sure it seems like you accidentally happened to be wearing a fancy looking bikini top under your normal clothes.

Maybe the real answer is just to have no cameras around at your birth....

Finally, this whole post is probably a waste because in the end you will be fat and naked whether you like it or not.


  1. Ha! This is really funny. I wore a maternity tank top and that worked great, I really liked not having to wear the dumb hospital gown. But then again, I wasn't in water. Good luck Else!

  2. When I started reading this I immediately thought of a sports bra. I did have one that had clasps in the front, which may work...(it didnt work well for sports, but I imagine it would work well for this). Maybe a nursing tank top will work...will fit over a prego belly and unclasps easily for the skin contact and nursing. Good luck finding the right thing to wear!

  3. Haven't done the water birth route, but I HATED that STUPID hospital gown - it was one of many things that didn't go my way with this first labor. Next time I will be all the wiser, but I would have to agree with all your suggestions and brutal honesty. Isn't it interesting that at first the LAST thing you want to be is naked, and then it just happens anyway?

  4. Thanks for the shout out. I am going out shopping right now to see what I can find. So I will let you know. But seriously it is a perplexing question because you know there will be some pictures and I don't want to be nakie nakie in them. Also the bikini top is interesting because I know birth is not exactly the most important time to be modest, but that's why I want to cover my bossoms. Thanks for the advice.

  5. I really like reading about your advice/comments on your waterbirth, it is so interesting to me! And actually there was a bathtub in my hospital room and I LOVED taking a bath during labor, something about it makes the whole process a little easier!

  6. I think that the whole water birth is so cool and fascinating. For sure, next time I will NOT be wearing the dumb hospital gown. Good luck to Else!

  7. I love that show "What Not to Wear". We don't have cable or satellite but when we visit my in-laws I always try and watch it. One time there was a blasted marathon on of them and I watched it until 1:00. I just couldn't stop!

  8. Whoa, I'm watching What Not to Wear RIGHT NOW. Spooky.

  9. Sorry.. don't have time to read everyones comments, but I know you can order (online?) desinger hospital gowns.. Tori Spelling did it for her second baby, cause she could stand the ones they put you in.. and what? else doing that? did she get the idea from you? the whole thing, im sure is relaxing (as much as you can get being in labor) but VERY akward

  10. I'll be thinking of Else this week! I didn't do the water birth...but STILL...I wished I'd looked a little better during my most exposed moments of childbirth!



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