OUR VEGETABLE OIL CAR

We won this a 1990 Mercedes Turbo Diesel with 120,000 miles on Ebay earlier this week and finally picked it up on Thurday evening in Ventura. When I told everyone at our Young Women's camp preparation activity on Wednesday that we won a car on Ebay that we plan on eventually converting to running on waste vegetable oil, they laughed hysterically. I was a little irked because everyone started teasing me so badly. The girls called me "Sister Crisco" and said they were going to find our car and paint it to look like a "hippie-mobile." The leaders said they would call me when they used their deep fryers. Yes, it's different, but I don't think it's that funny. I told them, "You may think its funny now, but when I save thousands of dollars from not buying gas, who'll be laughing then, huh?" This is taking being cheap to a whole new level.

This was the second car we have purchased on Ebay. Unfortunately, the transaction didn't run as smoothly as when we got the Explorer. When we went to pay for the car, we discovered that everything worked well, except for the air conditioning. Since the seller didn't represent this in his listing, we talked him down $1,000, which meant we got the car for $4,600. Other than that though, it's nice for a 17 year old "old lady" car. Once we get the air conditioning repaired it will be lovely.

SCARE TACTICS

I have a brief, if any, history with car maintenance. When I was 18, the tire guy asked me what kind of tires I would like and I responded very sincerely, "My dad said just make sure they are black." (My dad really did say that by the way and I thought he was being serious.) I also blew up my engine in college because I never checked the oil. The dumbest thing was when I was 22, I innocently cleaned some bird poop (along with the car's paint) off the hood of my brand new Honda Civic with SOS pads. So yeah, I am a major contributor to the stereotype that girls know nothing about cars.

This morning I had to get a smog check done on the Explorer. Simple enough, right? After a "fun" hour of keeping Luke from running into the street, they notified me that they didn't dare run the smog check or the engine would burn up. Then they preceded to tell me all this gobbly gook about hoses, radiators, and leaks. I tried to concentrate and pick out key words to tell Erik, but then I start reading the dumb cartoons they have taped to the walls which causes me to zone out everything they say. (I am aware of how stupid I sound.) They handed me a quote and I said, "Thanks, I'll call my husband and get back to you." I consider myself a very assertive person, but for some reason I crumble in these type of situations because I am so clueless.

Now this is where the intimidation and scare tactics come into play:

Dave (Mean Mechanic): "I wouldn't drive that thing to Mojave (20 miles) or your hose is gonna blow!"

Me: Okay. Uh, thanks for the notice.

Dave (Mean Mechanic): (following me out to my car) Who checks your fluids?

Me: My husband.

Dave (Mean Mechanic): You really should tell your parents, they could check it for you too.

Me: My husband checks my fluids.

Dave (Mean Mechanic): So... nobody does. (Then he started talking in the 3rd person, like weirdos do.) You come here any time and Dave will check your fluids, your tires, anything you need. Dave will take care of you. Dave cares about your car.

I got in my car and started bawling like a little baby. Not only were they telling me my car was in bad shape, but my marriage was destined for failure as well because I was low on radiator fluid.

Long story short, the car is fine and I am never ever going back there again.

REALLY BIG KIDS

Sometimes morbid obesity makes for great television! Last night we discovered Shaq's Big Challenge on ABC. The whole premise of the show is Shaquille O'Neal helping fat kids lose weight. These kids are more than a little overweight too. In the first episode, the poor shirtless boys had to take a treadmill test which allowed everyone in America to see their "man boobies." (I felt really bad for Walter, the 14 year old 285 lb. video game addict who eats "pizza burritos.") At the end of the tests, the doctor deemed them morbidly obese. It was very sad. Shaq said he was dedicated to helping these kids and then left them alone in a room full of yoga balls and treadmills. Shaq was so motivating that about 45 minutes into it, Erik got up and went running for the first time in months.

Another good show about childhood obesity is "Honey, We're Killing the Kids!" on TLC. What's good about this one is that they do this age progression thing at the beginning of each episode to show the parents what their children will look like if they continue their destructive eating habits. 9 times out of 10 the 6 year old evolves into this 400 lb. 40 year old man with a goatee and mullet. Then the host turns to the parents and says dramatically, "You're (pause) killing (pause) your kids!" The parents sob and vow to change the way they feed their children. It is all very touching. I'm just never sure if they are crying about teaching their kids poor eating habits or the mullet.

I used to think these parents were crazy for feeding their children so lousy, but I'm beginning to see how it happens. Kids are picky eaters. Luke likes very strange things and it is easy to rationalize, "Well, it's chocolate milk, but at least he's drinking milk" or as I said yesterday when I went to In-n-Out for lunch, "French fries are vegetables, yeah."

Not that Luke is even close to this, but please, someone promise me they will do an intervention if I ever show up with my 200 lb. 3 year old on a daytime talk show.

THE NEWS

Damn you, Dateline NBC!

My sweet husband, Erik, is terrified of horror movies. Now, when I say horror, I don't mean The Exorcist or Nightmare on Elm Street, I mean Signs, The Others, and selected scenes in the first Pirates of the Caribbean. He put his coat over his head in the movie theatre when we saw Signs. Then he drove me nuts from pacing back and forth behind the couch, wringing his hands in anguish, during the Others.

I, on the other hand, am terrified of real life, namely Dateline NBC, 48 Hours Investigates, reruns of Unsolved Mysteries, and sometimes, PBS. One year for Halloween we rented a PBS "American Experience" episode about the Donner Party from the library and I had trouble sleeping for weeks because it scared me so bad. I don't want to watch these news shows, but then they draw me in. I watch them and get really scared. I then think about the stories all the time, until I get myself all worked up into a frenzy. I even start thinking about how the reenactors would portray me and my family if some awful crime happened to us. Then I can't sleep because I keep thinking I see Kim Jong Il in my closet. I finally pass out at 2 a.m. Stupid, I know.

From watching Dateline NBC, et. al, I have learned that the typical murder victim is a woman at home alone. The murderer is usually her husband, boyfriend, stalker, or guy that comes to her door pretending to sell something (like alarm systems). The bad guy will push his way into the house when she answers the door and kill the victim. This means that I freak out anytime someone knocks on my door during the day when I am home alone. I try to discreetly look out my peephole, but then I worry that the person at the door saw me do that. Today the mail lady dropped a package off at my door and I just stood there, frozen, until I heard her walk away.

It's all very silly, especially since I live Tehachapi (population 6,780) where the biggest news is how angry people are that a Wal-mart is coming to town. Plus, I live on a cul-de-sac with a Prison Guard, Fireman and two CHP officers who usually have their cop cars parked in front of their homes,

Hey, at least my fears are legitimate.

SAFE BABY HANDLING TIPS 2

Remember this post? I would like to amend it with this picture:



Is it just mine or are all husbands super rough with the baby? Erik thinks Luke is smiling in this picture, but I see fear in his eyes!

JUST DON'T DO IT

Ugh, I hate stupid questions. Some people like juicy gossip. Others like to ask dumb things just to make conversation. Either way, there are just some things that should not be asked! However, everyone is usually too impatient for people to talk about the "good stuff" and they jump the gun with ridiculous questions. In the right setting, this information can bond people and help form lasting friendships, but it must be offered, not demanded!

TOP 4 WORST QUESTIONS OF ALL TIME!

4. How much money do you make?
You're asking for trouble with this one. Either they are going to feel bad and you feel good, or vice versa. It's much better to go on salary.com and feel lame because you don't make as much as their inflated pseudo-salaries that no one gets paid. Or maybe everyone earns way more than I ever did. I guess we will never know because I will never ask.

3. Did everything come out okay?
(Typically asked by men (boys) after a woman returns from the restroom.) This is the oldest joke ever and not funny unless you are 7. My biggest advice to single men looking for a wife is to never EVER ask this question if you are looking for a serious relationship. On the contrary, this is a great question if you are trying to break up with someone.

2. Why aren't you married?
Erik's unmarried aunt told me she used to answer this one with "Uh, because I pick my nose." I mean, really, how do these people expect you to answer that? Equally bad is assuming someone is getting married when they are not. I was sitting in sacrament meeting in my singles ward once when the Bishop had my friend Dalin stand up with his girlfriend. The Bishop said in front of a congregation of almost 100 people, "Dalin, is there something you and Julie would like to announce?" They both stood there mortified, until finally Dalin mumbled, "Um, no." They broke up really soon after that.

1. Are you pregnant?
I could write a book about this one! My boss asked me if I was pregnant (when I really was about 6 weeks along) and I said solemnly, "That's an illegal question." He was a lawyer and I think it scared him, so he got really quiet after that and went home. Equally bad is, "Are you trying?" I was asked this by the cashier at the health food store a few months ago and I responded, "I'm breastfeeding. What if I let you know when I have a period, how does that sound?"

Now, here's where I confess my sins. Our first Sunday in Tehachapi I was in the bathroom changing Luke's diaper when a "larger" woman came in and kindly said, "Don't you wish you had more hands?" I smiled and said, "When are you due?" She just stared at me. I suddenly realized what I had done and tried to recover by loudly saying, "What do you do! What do you do!?" She laughed, so maybe my recovery worked or maybe she's telling this story on her blog right now. Either way, she still comes to church, so all is good. I felt like the biggest idiot though. Doh!

Honorable Mentions:
- When are you due? (said after you had the baby)
- Is that what you're wearing? (said by my husband 2 minutes before leaving the house for a party)
- How can those poor single returned sister missionaries attend the temple without a husband? (I honestly heard this once. I responded smugly, "Well, it sure was nice attending the temple with my husband when we were dating.")

To form a "bond and lasting friendship" with all of you, I will offer to answer the four worst questions ever:
4. $0
3. Yes, thanks for asking.
2. N/A
1. No and that is rude.

RISKY BUSINESS

We have reached a whole new "realm" of baby proofing. I used to be able to put things on the table... not anymore. This week Luke figured out how to climb on to the table where he likes to attack the butter dish and bang on the laptop. This is a picture I took a couple of days ago when it still seemed funny. It is no longer funny. Suddenly living in an empty house with padded walls and floors doesn't seem all that bad.

Here's another favorite past time. He tears all the cushions off the couch, climbs to the edge and tries to open the door. Once again, I'm not laughing anymore. This wouldn't give me a heart attack if we didn't have "baby killer" tile on the floor. I keep having these nightmares of him falling off the table or couch and cracking his head open on the floor.

When we were naming Luke, my mother told me to "practice" a potential name by yelling it out the window as loudly as possible for 5 minutes straight. If you still liked that name after yelling it, then it was a keeper. That seems so prophetic now. I feel like a big meanie because all I do is say, "Luke. Luke! LUKE! No, Luke. No!" I know he understands, yet he still looks at me defiantly and does it over and over again. How do you teach a 12 month old to obey?

SPACE NERDS

Sometimes there are perks that come with living way out here. Today we went and saw Space Shuttle Atlantis land at Edwards Air Force Base. My pictures and shaky video really don't do it any justice. It was very exciting and fun to be out in the middle of nowhere with a whole bunch of space nerds, I mean Erik's co-workers and other "space enthusiasts," waiting for the Space Shuttle to pop into the sky. I loved hearing the sonic boom! I don't know how many more Space Shuttle missions there will be, so I feel really fortunate that we were able to witness something so historic.

AWKWARD SITUATION

Sometimes I feel like the biggest dork in social situations. Something will happen and I revert to insecure teenage girl awkwardness. For example, I got this weird phone message today:

"Hi, this is Sharon Jones* from the Golden Hills Ward. I'm sure you've heard about the baby shower for Suzie Smith*! We'd love for you to help with the food.
Please call me so I can let you know what to bring."

Here's the dealio: I hadn't heard about the baby shower and I don't think I've said more than 2 words in my entire life to the person who's having the baby. My first instinct was to ignore the message and not call back, but now I'm thinking that's rude. I would actually really like to be friends with the person having the baby, I just don't know her and I didn't receive an invitation to her shower. Maybe it's a mistake? Ahghgh, what should I do?

Let's hope none of these people read my blog.

UPDATE (if anyone cares): I decided not to make "Sharon Jones" feel bad because I hadn't received an invitation, so I didn't call her back. It didn't matter though because she called me again this morning. She said, "I'm sure you've received an invitation," and I said, "I'm sorry, I haven't heard anything about it." I think "Sharon Jones" still felt pretty stupid. Oh well, I can't help that. She told me when it is and we're going to be out of town. So, that solves that problem. I have decided though that I'll probably give that girl a gift anyway. I was thinking about what LeMira said and gifts are great, whether you know the giver or not.

*Names have been changed.

BREACH

Last night we rented Breach from the Redbox. We both really liked it. It seemed realistic and I loved how drab the FBI offices looked. The acting was great. Chris Cooper really creeped me out and Ryan Phillipe was excellent. I would definitely recommend it.

I am starting to regain faith in movies again. For awhile it seemed like all movies were lousy (Pirates 3 and Shrek 3 especially). Then we saw The Illusionist, Flags of our Fathers and now Breach... I feel like we are on a good movie streak. After watching the interview with Princes William and Harry, I'm planning on renting "The Queen" next. Really, why waste time on lame movies in the theatre when you can pay $1 for really good ones in your own home? The exception: I will be seeing Ratatouille next weekend in the theatre. Pixar never goes wrong.

BABIES WATCHING TELEVISION

I read somewhere once that if you want your child to learn good habits (politeness, praying, etc.), you need to obviously exemplify those good habits yourself (duh).

In 2001, the American Academy of Pediatrics advised against television watching for children under the age of two. Although I did not have children at the time, this statement made me extremely aware of any time young children around me were watching television.

We had a neighbor in Provo who had the Baby Einstein DVD on repeat all day long for her 1 year old daughter to watch. A friend in our ward who told us she knew her addiction to Law and Order had gotten bad when her 18 month old started saying, "TNT - We know drama." Then there was my hairdresser who told me she parked her 6 week old daughter right in front of the Disney Channel for an hour each morning while she was getting ready for work. She said that it kept her daughter occupied and that the programs were really educational. SIX WEEKS OLD!! I am not making this up, I promise. I never said anything to any of these people because I'm not perfect either. Plus, the AAP's statements are more like guidelines anyway, right?

Luke was born and I told Erik, "No way is he watching t.v. before he's 2!" Erik responded, "Uh-huh. So you are just going to stop watching t.v. yourself? Yeah right." Then one day American Idol came on and Luke wouldn't go to sleep and well, I will admit to allowing Luke to watch a little television now and then. Only good shows are allowed though like Lost, Oprah, The Office and Dateline's To Catch a Predator. (60-40.)

Yesterday I was making dinner and heard the television go on twice. Both times I went into the living room to find that Luke had climbed up on to the couch and was sitting there watching television. (I also quickly snapped the poorly taken picture below.) I don't think I watch a lot of television, especially not during the day when he is awake. Perhaps he's picked up on this from me? (I've unplugged the t.v. since then so he can't turn it on.) The good news is that both times it was either C-SPAN or Telemundo, so as my hairdresser would say, at least its educational and maybe he'll learn Spanish too!

HOOKED ON A FEELING

As Simon would say on American Idol, this video is very "self indulgent." My dad and sister keep asking for more Luke videos, so last night I sat down and made the most obnoxious video I could using footage shot during the past week. I figured if I was going to upload it to You Tube for them to watch it, that I might as well post it to the 'ol blog too. Like I said, its obnoxious on purpose. My apologies in advance...

MILK WOES

Just like Danica, I am struggling with getting Luke to take cow's milk. I hand him the sippy cup, he takes a sip, and then spits it everywhere. He'll spit it out a couple of times and then eventually throw the cup. I thought things were messy before and now they are super disgusting with milk all over the place too. Here's my question: Luke loves plain whole milk yogurt by Mountain High. He eats a ton of it and cheese too. I was looking at the label and there is more calcium in the yogurt than the milk. As far as other nutrients go, the yogurt has the same amount of iron and other things as milk. Can I just give him yogurt and cheese instead of milk? When he needs liquids, I could give him juice and water. Am I a bad parent for wanting to do this? (Don't answer that.) It's just that after mopping up milk for the umpteenth time in the past few days I'm looking for other solutions.

TO SNIP OR NOT TO SNIP

I know this isn't the most pleasant topic to discuss, but I wanted to mention that MSN ran an interesting article today on the decline of circumcisions, mainly in the West. In California, the rate of hospital circumcisions among newborns dropped to 21% in 2004. Wow, only 21%! You wouldn't of known it by the weird look the nurses at the hospital gave me when I told them I wouldn't be circumcising my son. (Whew, good thing Luke can't read my blog or he would be totally embarrassed right now. Heh heh heh.)

I LOVE THE BEACH AGAIN

These pictures are from two weeks ago, but my mother-in-law only sent them to me today. I like going to the beach, but ever since Luke was born it has been quite the ordeal carrying everything out to the sand, keeping him from eating the sand, making sure he doesn't get sunburned, nursing a baby with a mouthful of sand isn't pleasant... you get the picture, not so fun. Well, the last time we went to the beach it was fantastic. Yes, Luke still ate a little sand, but he was able to play in it and entertain himself somewhat. It made me want to go to the beach everyday if I could!


Luke with his cousins, Isaac and Leyna, playing in a tub of freezing cold ocean water.



Luke is shivering in this picture. The water was freezing, but he wanted to keep playing in it anyway.


Here is Luke being buried in the sand. You can't tell from this picture, but he was really enjoying it, I promise.


In our entire marriage, this is the first time I actually ever saw Erik surfing close enough to realize it was him. I was like, "Oh, so you do know how to surf!"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUKE

First of all, Luke had his 12 month appointment on Friday. Official stats are length: 31.5 inches, weight: 21.5 lbs, and SIXTEEN TEETH! He is still long and lean, but as the doctor pointed out, his body is starting to "normalize" a bit.

Then, Luke turned one today!! I know it is a cliche to say this, but it really does only seem like yesterday that we were rushing to the hospital and I was focusing on license plates to get through each contraction. What a relief that after all the planning, his party went smoothly and I think everyone had a fun time! Here are a few photos of the big event:

We rented a banquet hall at a hotel in Oxnard, mainly to accommodate all the Lassens. I got a great deal that included catering, so I was really pleased. I decided to go with balloons instead of flowers to save a little money.

Here is our D.J., Steve. He came highly recommended and was worth every penny of the $600 he cost for the 2 hour gig.

Alright, ha ha, just kidding. Like I would really rent a banquet hall and hire a d.j. for a party for a one year old! I think it is NUTS how people go all crazy when the child doesn't even know what is going on. Here's what really happened:


Erik's former mission companion gave us a traditional Korean outfit that is worn on the child's first birthday.

In Korea, there is a tradition that on the child's first birthday you place a bunch of objects on the table that symbolize different things. Whichever three objects they choose dictate their future. Luke picked strawberries, money and a bow and arrow. This means he will be a rich warrior with lots of children. Erik was sad he didn't pick the light saber so that he could be a Jedi Knight.

Here I am protecting Luke from burning his hand on the candle. He got really excited when he saw the candle and wanted to grab it.

Luke loves cupcakes!

Luke got cupcake EVERYWHERE, even on the bottom of his thigh. Erik swears its frosting he's licking off. Uh-huh. Sure it is.

EARN A LITTLE EXTRA MONEY PART 2

Not like our lives aren't already busy enough. When I'm not running after a toddler and cranking out Expo TV videos galore, I love looking for ways to save and earn money. Regardless of your situation, extra money is always nice. Here are some more fun ideas I just discovered that you can do from home:

Get Paid to Write: I discovered this today and don't see it as a huge money maker, but hey, you're already writing on your blog. Why not cut and paste your posts at Helium.com and generate a little income while you're at it?

Get Paid to Do Family History: Researchers at Monson Genealogy, an upcoming web-based genealogy research firm, are looking for subcontractors to do genealogy research part-time at home. Set your own hours and only sign up for jobs you feel qualified to research. Salary negotiable. If you are interested, submit your resumé, salary requirements, and references to monsongenealogy@gmail.com.

Get Paid to Blog: Babycenter is looking to expand their site content with paid bloggers! They want to hire folks who will blog from home about lots of topics, including adoption, infertility, celebrities, fashion, television, single parenting and movies. Here is the link. (I know it says the opportunity has expired, but I think they are still taking applications anyway.)

KID NATION

CBS recently announced that the reality show “Kid Nation” has been added to their 2007 Fall Lineup. The show, which is described as a cross between The Lord of the Flies and Survivor, drops forty 8-to-15-year-olds off in a deserted mining town and forces them to create their own society from scratch in forty days, without any adult supervision. No, wait, it gets better. We're supposed to be supportive of this because at the end of each episode one lucky child will be awarded a $20,000 gold star to use towards a college education. I’m guessing that "Kid Nation" was inspired by another television show for stupid parents, the BBC series “Baby Borrowers.” In this bizarre show, fame hungry parents handed over their babies to teenagers for three days to learn what parenting is really like. I’m sure that went over really well.

What kind of parent allows their 8 year old on the set of a reality show with no adult supervision, dependable food source, or reliable lodging for forty days? Would any amount of money or fame tempt you to do this to your own children? Just imagine the waiver those parents had to sign! You think Britney Spears is a bad parent? At least Britney (or one of her people) thought to hire adult supervision for her kids.

About five years ago, Jamie Kennedy did this "experiment" on his show with crazy parents vying for a chance to put their children on a reality show called "Child Island." Here is that prophetic clip. Crazy.

PIANO LESSONS

BABY CLOTHES

It's just cleaner and easier to let Luke run around in a diaper these days. Mostly because I am in major denial that he is getting bigger. I realized this the other day as I tried to squeeze him into a 3 month old sized onesie and pants set. The onesie was so tight that it pulled down far enough to expose the top of his chest and the pants looked like shorts. Luke is running out of clothes. You might think it is my fault because it is my responsibility to buy them for him. Nope, I blame it on my baby shower.

Let's make a deal folks. No more 0-3 month clothes as baby shower gifts, agreed? There are of course exceptions to this rule, but you know what those are and they don't need to be discussed. I have been guilty of this. I'm afraid that before I had a baby I was one of those people who gave a newborn bathing suit just because it was super cute. I felt this sense of pride at baby showers as everyone oohed and ahhed about how cute it was, but seriously, what 2 week old is going to be swimming? Could I be anymore wasteful?

I do not want to sound ungrateful, I was given a lot of baby clothes before Luke was born and it helped us out tremendously. So many, in fact, that I would play "Fashion Show" with him, i.e., trying 8-9 outfits at a time on him just for the heck of it. That takes real dedication because squeezing those itsy bitsy holes over a big baby head is not my definition of fun. Another bonus, I didn't have to do baby laundry for almost two months. (I'm not kidding, there were THAT MANY 0-3 month clothes!)

His dresser is stock full, but it is only an illusion. His drawers consist of three layers:

1. The Messy Bottom Layer - 3 - 6 month clothes that are way too small, but I am too lazy to put in boxes.

2. The Middle Layer - Clothes that fit, but have tears or stains. I don't want to put him in these clothes because they look white trash.

3. The Thin Top Layer - These clothes he can wear. They are folded neatly on the top - giving the impression that his drawers are organized even though they are messy underneath.

Adding to the problem is how many clothes he goes through in a day. Real example:

8:00 a.m. - Wakes up. Pooped all over. Change clothes.
10:00 a.m. - Opened the glass door while the shower was going and got soaking wet. Change clothes.
12:00 p.m. - He took off his bib during breakfast and made a mess. Change clothes.
2:00 p.m. - Went to the park and fell in the mud. Change clothes.
6:00 p.m. - Oops, forgot he likes to remove his bib during dinner. Huge mess. Change clothes.

Since it is so typical to change a kid's clothes several times a day, I wonder when someone is going to wake up and invent some sort of wipe down indestructible clothing that will hold up to blow outs, sticky spills, and unexpected falls in the mud. Maybe a cross between gore-tex and plastic would work?

Gotta run, time to go clothes shopping.

WORST IDEA EVER

NBC is considering a spin-off of The Office starring Rainn Wilson. I'm so mad I could spit! The show is good because of the ensemble. What would the premise be? Dwight works at Staples on the West Coast? Or maybe he manages his own branch of Dunder Mifflin? Or maybe we follow Dwight as he attends Battlestar Galactica and Lost conventions around the country with occasional guest appearances by Angela? I don't care what happens once the show ends. They can each have their own show for all that I care. I can see it now - Pam and Jim in a remake of Mad About You, Kelly joins the View, Kevin and Oscar do the Odd Couple, and Creed has his own Children's Show on PBS... but an Office spin-off starring Dwight? What????!?

THAT FAMILY'S SMELL

Some people's homes just have this smell and that is their smell. You know what I'm talking about. Sometimes it is a real yummy smell and sometimes it is very stinky. Each particular family has no clue about their smell because when you are living in it, you get so used to it that you can't smell it. As Erik likes to say, "Everyone likes their own brand." Your visitors, however, notice it in a heartbeat, but are always too polite to say anything.

I stopped using the diaper genie. The refills were a pain to buy, especially when I figured that I could save the $5 and just walk outside once a day to dump Luke's trash into the big outside trash can. But alas, I am human and in reality have been letting the dirty diapers linger and build up in the trash for a few days before dumping them outside. This morning I returned home from my walk and this huge poop smell overpowered me. Wow, is that what visitors to my home experience? Have I not noticed this before because I am living in it? Sadly, the answers are probably yes and yes.

Whoo wee, time to light a candle and get some Febreze!

FEELING LIKE A FREAK

Why does it seem like teething only affects Luke at night? These past few days have been really tiring for Erik and I. Luke is cutting what appear to be six teeth (including his molars). Last night as I was trying to rock him to calm him down, he jumped off my lap, ran out his bedroom door waving his hands over his head and screaming (just like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone)! The only thing that seems to console him (besides Baby Orajel) is to nurse. He is in so much pain that he would nurse all night and all day if I would let him.

So, here I am admitting that I feel like a huge freak. Luke will be one year old this Saturday. I keep comparing myself to other mothers who tell me they are only nursing their almost one year old 2 or 3 times a day. I always say, "Oh wow, twice a day, that's great!" But, I don't know why I respond like that. Probably because that's how everyone else responds. Even before Luke started this insane teething, I couldn't tell you how much he nurses because I don't count it or schedule it. I keep thinking he should cut back since he's eating solids, but that hasn't happened yet.

As much as we hear not to compare ourselves to others, I have started doing it like crazy. I think about weaning all the time. I obsess over it. I have even started counting how many times I nurse him in a day and feel guilty when its more than five. Isn't this crazy?


I am reading this book, "How Weaning Happens." It offers good suggestions and I am trying the "Don't offer, don't refuse" and distraction techniques to at least get Luke to cut back. It seems to be working, but honestly how does one schedule nursing when a baby's needs can differ so much from day to day? I always thought I would wean my child at one year because that's what people I knew typically did, but the more I read the more I learn about the benefits of "extended breastfeeding." Did you know that most doctors recommend nursing until your child is at least two? And, no, your milk doesn't go bad when your child is a year old. (My sister Kaci asked me that the other day. That's crazy talk.)

So... I feel like a freak. Partly because I am exhausted, and partly because I don't know anyone else who is nursing their one year old as much as I am (with the exception of the La Leche League, of course). The moral of the story is I probably just need to get out more and make new friends. (Than I can compare myself to those women too!)

HAPPY FATHERS DAY... NOT

Here is a summary of our conversation from this afternoon:

Erik: "Hey, is it Father's Day today?"

Me: Oh yeah, it is. Sorry, I forgot to do something. You should call your dad.
(I was around the corner and he couldn't see my face. I was laughing so hard as quietly as I could.)

Erik: Did you call yours?

Me: I called him this morning while you were at your meeting. Wow, I guess Fathers Day really isn't a big deal here, there wasn't any mention of it at church. Sorry, I didn't do anything. I'll make it up to you, I promise.

Erik: Wow, I can't believe you forgot to do something! (Calling his dad.) Hi Dad, Happy Fathers Day!

Me: (Screaming) It's next week! HA HA HA HA HA!!! I GOT YOU!

Okay, so now that I have written this whole thing out, I sound really mean. I meant to be funny and playing tricks on your spouse is always funny. There was the one time Erik went into the bathroom and poured a pitcher of water into the toilet really slowly. I thought something was wrong with him because I heard him going to the bathroom so much, for so long. Ha ha ha, joke was on me. Or like the time I lied and told him I was pregnant and had him believing it for like five months... just kidding, I never did that. That would be awful, can you imagine how mean that would be?

MOVIE MUSICALS

I love musicals. This is probably attributed to the fact that in high school I could never get a part in any of the musicals because I can't sing or dance. So instead, I had to be one of those geeks that wore all black and moved the scenery off and on the stage. When I found out that Erik was Conrad Birdie and Curly (from Oklahoma) in his high school musicals, I just about died. It was like my childhood fantasy to marry a musical singing star. Some of my favorites are Fiddler on the Roof, My Fair Lady, West Side Story, Dreamgirls, Phantom of the Opera, The King and I, and The Umbrellas of Cherbourg.

In my opinion, here are some of the worst, the cheesiest, and the best movie musicals of ALL TIME:

THE WORST

Paint Your Wagon (1969): Clint Eastwood picks up a polygamist's wife while pioneering into the west. They drink, gamble, fight, and of course, sing. I was in pain. Make it stop. I can't say much more because I have tried to block the whole thing out.

Chicago (2002): This won Best Picture, but I was really disappointed. Yeah, Catherine Zeta-Jones is talented, but maybe she could just do a concert dvd and I could watch that instead of Richard Gere trying to tap dance. My favorite part was when we left the movie theatre and my sister, Caitlin, said, "I feel like I have just been in hell for the past two hours." I couldn't agree with her more.

CHEESY FUN

Saturday's Warrior (1989): My parents own "Saturday's Warrior: The Millennium Version" which consists of the cast reminiscing 11 years later, a documentary about the making of, and wait - it gets better - sing-a-long karaoke versions of eight songs. The last time I was at my parents' house I put in the DVD and sang gleefully off-key at the top of my lungs to each song until my Mom told me to stop. I love how the bad people wear spandex (of course) and Jimmy has fluorescent bathing suit shorts on the whole time. Classic stuff. The girl in the wheelchair always reminds me of my sister-in-law, Kirsten.


Back to the Beach (1987): If you like Beach Blanket Bingo or Gidget than you will love Back to the Beach. Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello reunite, Becky from Full House plays their daughter, and Pee Wee Herman sings a special musical number! The bird is the word.

THE BEST

Moulin Rouge (2001): I advised our friend Jake to break up with a girl if she didn't like this movie and he actually did. I've lightened up a bit on that type of dating advice, but still feel like this is one of the best movie musicals ever. I will never forget watching this for the first time, looking at my sister, Kelley, during Ewan McGregor singing "Your Song" and saying to each other, "Wow, this is really good." If I'm sad, I just pop in a little Moulin Rouge soundtrack and always feel better.


Sound of Music (1965): In high school I had friends who tried to memorize The Princess Bride. Well, I tried to do that with this movie. I have watched it at least 500 times - no joke. I don't know what it is. As a little girl, I dreamt about being in the Von Trapp Family. I own a trivia book about the Sound of Music where I read that Liesel never made anymore movies, moved to Encino and became an interior decorator. I've even read Maria Von Trapp's Autobiography. Good stuff.

AFFORDABLE CLOTHING

If you haven't figured it out already, I am really cheap. For example, when I go to the Children's Place Outlet, I only buy stuff that is less than $3. I rarely buy anything that isn't on clearance and it is usually pretty evident from my clothes. I am one of those people who buy stuff that I wouldn't wear normally just because it is a good sale. Not the best shopping strategy, but it puts clothes on my back. It also causes me to dress kind of funny sometimes. (Just ask my husband.)

This is really exciting to me: I saw the new clothing line "Bitten" by Sarah Jessica Parker today. Not being the most fashion conscious person in the world, I usually don't care about new clothing lines (Kate Moss, who?), but this one caught my attention because no piece is over $20!! Even the shoes I saw were under $10! How ironic that SJP, famous for her $500 Manolo Blahnik's, is attaching herself to such an affordable line. I'm not a big SJP fan, I kind of find her irritating and Erik thinks she looks like a man, but maybe I will find a way to love her now that she has such cheap clothes for sale. Supposedly the quality is great. Heck, I love Target and H&M clothes, so how can her stuff be any worse? Anyway, I can't wait to try it out. Here is the website with store locations.

EARN A LITTLE EXTRA MONEY

Let me introduce you to my new hobby:

I discovered the link for Expo TV on Dan Chan's website about a month ago. This is how it works: Make a one minute video opinion and they pay you $5 for each one. Right now they will allow you to upload a maximum of 100 a month. Now let's say you and your husband each do 100, that's $1000 extra a month.... not enough to live off of, but still a good chunk of money. The video opinions can be super lame (most are, including mine), but who cares because you get the $5 anyway! Here are the main requirements:

1. You must say your first name.
2. You must review any product that is sold nationally.
3. You must show your face sometime in the video.
4. It must be at least one minute long.

I figured if I break it down into a system, I could really start churning these video opinions out. What a great way for housewives and students to earn a little extra money when they are home. The only problem is that it takes a long time (almost a month) for your video opinions to be approved and on the website... but they do pay you eventually and I have $15 already to prove it!

FUTURE CRISTIN

This evening as I was preparing dinner, the phone rang. I answered and a strange robotic voice said,

"THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM FUTURE CRISTIN: DO NOT GO TO GUATEMALA."

At first I thought, "Wow, I am so glad that my future self thought to call me. I will definitely not be going to Guatemala now." (I decided not to anyway.) Then it occurred to me, if this really was my future self, don't you think I would throw in some more information like,

"Don't let Erik get his pilot's license or it ends very badly for you."
"California will fall into the ocean in 2010."
"The code word is: Kaci Do do*."

I would also probably leave myself a 2015 Sports Almanac so that I could win a lot of money and build 10 story casinos and museums dedicated to myself like Biff did in Back to the Future 2.

While I was busy wishing what more Future Cristin would have said, Kelley (my sister), called laughing. Here is the link to make funny phone calls. As she reminded me in the subject line of her email: "Remember Threats Are Illegal." Thank you to Kelley for the legal advice.

Here is a clip from The Office... mostly because I am going through withdrawals ever since the Season Finale aired.



*"Kaci Do Do" was our code word when I was a little kid. This was to be used if something happened to my parents and they sent a stranger to pick us up from school. In this grim scenario, the good people were to identify themselves by the secret word, "Kaci Do Do." Future Cristin most definitely would have done the same.

TEMPTATION

Spirit Airlines is offering flights from LAX to Guatemala City, Guatemala for $48 each way! The sale ends tonight. You must travel between 8/14/07 and 12/18/07. I am so tempted, but would it be safe to take Luke? That is the real question. I taught English to a guy from Guatemala City once and he said it was a very scary and dangerous place. It would be so cheap, and I've never been to Central America! I need to weigh my options: Pros: Cool cheap vacation. Cons: Putting son's life in danger.

FOOD FIGHT

Luke started it.

We were eating dinner tonight when Luke started throwing his food at Erik. It went downhill from there. Please don't think I condone food fights, I just have to pick my battles sometimes. Right now we are working on "passing gas" at the dinner table. As soon as Erik learns to leave the dinner table and go into the backyard when he has to, you know, "cut the cheese," then I will address more pressing matters like Luke and Erik throwing food at each other. My sister Kelley told me once that it was making her sick to watch Luke eat. So, if you get queasy easily, consider this your warning.

TRAVEL DEALS

Ever since my brother-in-law, Christian, found $25 tickets from SLC to LAX, I have been obsessed with finding equally great travel deals. Yesterday, I got a ding offer from Southwest for $30 tickets from LAX to Columbus, Ohio. I got really excited, but then I was like, "Hmmm, what would I do in Columbus, and do I really want to fly with a baby again?" I also know some folks that flew to Central America for around $250 round trip. Then again, yes, great deal, but aren't some places down there kind of scary? Is it worth risking your life for a cheap plane ticket? I think it is.

We are planning a vacation for the week after Labor Day. We are leaning towards going to Brookings, Oregon to go fishing and see my grandparents if we can get a campsite and if my grandparents will be there. Also, do I really want to camp with Luke? I keep hesitating to make a campsite reservation because I am waiting for some crazy travel deal to fall from the sky and then that will dictate where we go... especially since our budget is like maybe $300. Hmmm, what to do and where to go...

My favorite travel sites are:

Southwest Ding Offers (Home of the $25 tickets)
Kayak (Compares almost all airlines for you.)
Travel Zoo Top 20 Offers (Great deals, but they sell out fast!)

PIRATES 3

We saw Pirates of the Carribean 3 over the weekend. Please, I beg, no more Pirates movies. You are slowly and painfully killing what used to be an entertaining franchise.

SPOILER ALERT.

I read on IMDB that they started shooting Pirates 3 before the end was written. Oh, really? Remind me not to ever do that when I make my little movies or you will end up with a really long movie that is all over the place. I was so confused. I kept looking at my watch. I lost focus. I would lean over to Erik and say stuff like, "Hey, we need to remember to feed Ditte's rabbits tonight."

2 hours and 45 minutes is too long for a confusing movie. The only movies that should be allowed to be that long are the Sound of Music, Gone with the Wind and the 3rd Lord of the Rings. I thought at the beginning it would be good, but then it just went on and on and on. I didn't find the multiple Jack Sparrow "dream sequences" enjoyable and I was mad that Orlando Bloom took Davy Jones' job. Keira Knightley sure ages well though (referring to the last scene). Having loved the first movie (and the Disneyland ride), I will just focus on that, and try to pretend that Pirates 3 never happened.

BABYSITTERS

I am relatively new to hiring a babysitter. We've only done it a handful of times. I'm still not exactly sure how much to pay or any of the protocol. Erik says I should just ask them how much they charge. I feel awkward doing that though, so I just give them $5 an hour. Then I wonder forever if I paid too much or too little. Maybe I'm the cheapskate all the kids talk about. Or maybe they want to babysit for me because I pay a "whopping" $5 an hour. When I was a kid, I was lucky to get $2 an hour. I know, we must consider inflation.

Also, it is very bizarre to have our babysitter call me,"Sister Lassen." Now that I am almost 30, I am beginning to feel like I am finally out of high school. Some might see the whole "Sister Lassen" thing as a sign of respect, but it's a little depressing that I'm not as young as I feel inside my head. (Viewing pictures of myself have confirmed this realization as well.)

Our babysitters have fallen into three categories:

SUPER - House is spotless. Luke is in his pajamas, sound asleep, and swaddled. I would consider leaving Luke with Super Babysitter for a week. I love Super Babysitter.

OKAY - House isn't any cleaner than I left it, but Luke is asleep. However, Luke is sleeping in a weird position that makes me wonder if Okay Babysitter let him cry for hours before he drifted off. I start doing detective work in order to figure out exactly what Okay Babysitter did while we were gone. I check the DVD's, the refrigerator, the last television station viewed... try to retrace her steps for no real reason. I suspect that she tried on my clothes while we were out, but then remember I am not in high school anymore, therefore no teenager would be tempted by my old lady clothes.

NOT SO GOOD - I return to find a disaster. My house is messier than when I left it. A dirty diaper lies open in the middle of the living room floor. Luke is screaming in his crib, gnawing at a bottle he doesn't know how to use. (And no, Not So Good Babysitter isn't my husband, because you can't "babysit" your own kid. Also, notice how it is okay for me to have a messy house with a crying baby, but not for the babysitter? What a double standard!)

My mother-in-law said the other day that babysitting standards have changed because we are just so lucky to find a babysitter. Very true. Even Not So Good Babysitter isn't bad. Fortunately for us, we don't go out very often because it's too expensive. I wish I could find someone to trade babysitting with here.