WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING

Last night, Erik was watching Luke while I went to a meeting in Bakersfield for Stake Girls Camp. (We don't call it babysitting, because you can't babysit your own child.) I was gone for a little over 3 hours. When I returned, I went into Luke's room and noticed that it was WAY messier than normal. Torn up kleenex, trash (i.e., old diapers), clothes and toys were everywhere. Erik then admitted to me that right after I left, he had shut Luke's bedroom door, laid down in the middle of the floor and accidentally fallen asleep for 45 minutes while Luke ransacked the room. Erik said when he woke up Luke was just throwing a ball against the closet door. The best part is that the only way Luke could of crossed the room was by crawling over Erik, so when he woke up Erik found chewed up kleenex all over his chest. How could that not have woken him up?! Luke got into the trash can and found the box of kleenex I had hidden behind a basket of blankets. I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't fall asleep like that even if I wanted to! At first I laughed really hard, but then I was like, "Whoa, that could of been really really bad. I'm glad nothing too awful happened except for all the kleenex he ingested." Can you imagine if his bedroom door would have been opened?? I don't even want to think about that!

LIZETTE JADALYN BARTON

Being overdue is funny. I remember going shopping a few days after my due date and someone said, "Oh, when are you due?" and I said, "2 days ago." And I got the funniest look. Candace left me an irritated message on Monday morning, "Day 6, still no baby." Well, Lizette finally came yesterday with the help of a little pitocin. What a beautiful baby. This picture really doesn't do her justice. She's just gorgeous. We went and visited Candace in the hospital today. It sounded like she had a tough labor. I told her, "Tough labor, easy baby. Easy labor, tough baby." At least, that's been my experience (so it must be true).

After seeing Candace and Tyler with a baby (which is just as weird to me as the fact that we have a baby) I couldn't stop thinking about how much your life changes with a child. It's like suddenly - poof - now you are responsible for someone ALL THE TIME, no breaks! I'M NOT COMPLAINING! It is a wonderful privilege and blessing to have a child, but also a big life altering change too. I don't think I can even remember what it was like to sleep all night. Even if Luke does sleep all night (its sad when I call it "all night" when he does a full 5 hour stretch of sleep) , I wake up in anticipation of him waking up. Sometimes I am so tired that I stop thinking, I just do what I need to do. I guess this is what it means to be a parent. Congratulations to Candace and Tyler and GOOD LUCK!

WHO ARE THE REAL FAN-JAYAS?

So lots of folks are freaking out about the possibility of Sanjaya winning American Idol. First of all, if it really mattered, the producers would just kick him off. They reserve the right to change the voting at any time. It's in the fine print. They clearly like the controversy for the ratings. Plus, I didn't think last year's winner, Taylor Hicks, was phenomenal. Not all American Idol winners have gone on to greatness. I actually read on Wikipedia tonight that William Hung has sold more albums than many "Idols," including Katherine McPhee and Justin Guarini. (No shock there.) So why is anyone surprised that Sanjaya is doing so well? I was actually glad to see Chris Sligh go tonight. He wasn't funny like he used to be. I liked that when he got kicked off, Ryan Seacrest said that Chris was one of the more "clever" contestants. Maybe Chris can be funny again and host a tv show or something. It's just still a real shame though that he looks exactly like my friend Cheryl Eddy from junior high.

THINGS THAT DON'T REALLY MATTER

I watched this while I was eating breakfast this morning. It's long, but the last 20 seconds are the best.

I'M JUST A GIRL WHO CAN'T SAY NO

It seems that the stars have aligned for me in the "Universe of Free Stuff" lately. Lucky for me, I am the cheapest person alive so I am eating it up! It all began when Erik and the Elders picked up a dining room set that someone left in their front yard with a big cardboard sign that said FREE. Since they have no shame, they brought it home and we chopped up the chairs for firewood. (They were no good.) I thought maybe I would refinish it, but then realized I was way too lazy for a project of such magnitude, so I sold it in the Penny Saver to a guy named Miguel from Rosamond for $25. (When he paid me, I was thinking, "SUCKA! I GOT THAT TABLE FOR FREE! HA HA!" It kind of reminded me of the time I went to the Wymount Junk Swap thing and found a bunch of stuff to sell on Ebay.) And then the free stuff just started to snowball. It was like I had won the free lottery! In the past three weeks I have been offered the following:

1. Sod (We laid a patch of grass in the backyard that will probably die in a few weeks.)
2. Futon (Almost new!)
3. Refrigerator (I actually said no to this one.)
4. 4 Offroading Tires (I will sell them somewhere.)
5. Dining room Table and Chair Set
6. Gravy Boat
7. Tons of scrapbooking stuff
8. Lots of food storage
9. Toy Scooter

I think this is nice, but do worry that some day I will turn into an old lady living on a 5 acre lot that looks like a junk yard with loads of random stuff that I took just because it was free (not to mention all of Erik's free motorcycles and boats).

HARBOR FREIGHT AKA IKEA FOR MEN

Today we went on a family shopping trip to Bakersfield. While down there, I realized that Harbor Freight is to Erik what Ikea is to me. He didn't think twice about driving 45 minutes to Bakersfield just to buy some super cheap tools (made in China) that he probably doesn't really need. Very similar to me, I would jump in a car in a heartbeat and drive 90 minutes to Ikea to buy cheap furniture and gadgets that I don't need and that will definitely break the next time we move. This all sounds crazy and maybe we need to seriously re-examine our priorities. Harbor Freight is SO cheap that when we were checking out the cashier scanned a tool and said, "You know this is $30 right?" I know the cashier was thinking, "Why would anyone pay $30 for this piece of garbage tool!?"

Concerning Harbor Freight, their shopping carts appear to be made in China also because they are very flimsy and Luke got his foot stuck in the side. (Notice this is not Luke's fault, but Harbor Freight's for having lousy shopping carts.) His foot started turning purple and he was screaming really loud. Erik and I were trying to be really calm but all these old people got around us and well, when we finally got his foot out, we noticed the crowd and they gave us dirty looks. On the bright side, we got a sprinkler for only $4 and clamps to fix the piano bench for $7!

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

Can you guess what Luke's 3 favorite things are?

Playing peek-a-boo, taking off his pants, and yoga (especially the downward facing dog position). Sometimes doing all 3 at the same time!

HEY THERE, RODRIGO

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people sing the wrong lyrics to a song. A Danish classmate of mine in high school once sang "A Whole New Girl" instead of "A Whole New World" for an entire song, but that can be forgiven because it wasn't her first language. Then there is my wonderful husband who always sang "Hey There, Rodrigo," instead of "Hey Where Did We Go" for the beginning of Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl." I finally corrected him a few years ago, but he continues to do it because those kind of habits are hard to break and it is kind of funny.

I remember riding the bus to school in the 6th grade and listening over and over again to "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys on my Walkman. I recorded it off the radio and listened to it at least a 100 times until I had written all the lyrics down. In college, my roommate Megan and I got really into the Tommy Boy soundtrack and we listened to "Come On Eileen" a gazillion times to figure out the lyrics. (This is obviously before the internet exploded or we would have just looked the lyrics up online and saved ourselves a good 8 hours of time. ) We never could decipher "Come On Eileen." BUT, it just dawned on me today that after all those years of wondering, I could now just look it up!


Here's what we thought it was:

These people round here
Our suck dried stiff white stone dried face
In design to what their fighting
But hey never
so right on
So right on
So Right on
We are far too young and clever
Remember
Too rah loo rah yay
Eileen I need to hum this tune forever


Actual Lyrics:

These people round here wear beaten down eyes
Sunk in smoke dried faces
They're so resigned to what their fate is
But not us, no not us
We are far too young and clever
Go toora loora toora loo rye aye
Eileen, I'll sing this tune forever

So finally I can sleep at night. The mystery is solved! Thank goodness for the internet and people, please enunciate when you sing!

THE CRYING GIRL NEEDS HER OWN TV SHOW

What is she thinking? Is she scared? Lost? Confused? (I vote for scared.) For those of you who missed American Idol last night, this girl was crying uncontrollably during Sanjaya's song. It was one of the best things on television that I have ever seen! CLASSIC. This is why I love this show. I have an idea, this year when I go to a taping of American Idol, I am going to go into convulsions during a song and get on tv. It will be great. Watch for me.

AND SO IS MY LIFE...

Ever since I became a stay at home mom, Erik always asks, "So, what did you do today? Watch Oprah and eat bon bons?" And I always reply very sarcastically, "Yes, all I did today was watch Oprah and eat bon bons." Well, the sad part is that his running joke is funny because it is kind of true. You know, 60-40. I do like certain television shows and ice cream very much. I can't remember a time when I wasn't like that. But why is that a bad thing? Why do we look down on people that watch tv and eat ice cream? What is so wrong with that!?

SO MAYBE I'M A LITTLE COMPETITIVE

I love playing board games, but Erik doesn't like to play with me because he says I'm too competitive. When we lived in Provo we used to play Risk together all the time until he said I was being "too smug." It made him so mad one time that he even hit the table really hard and all the little soldiers and tanks flew everywhere. And that was the end of us playing games together, one-on-one. (FYI - I am actually the TAME one when it comes to competition in my family. My sister, Kelley, literally punched me once over the use of the word "Texas" in a Scrabble game. She almost beat up Shannon Steen-Larson when she was pregnant during an intense game of Risk too!)

Fortunately for me, our moratorium on game playing ended when we moved out to Tehachapi. (We've kind of been lacking for entertainment here.) Tonight we had a really serious Yahtzee game. I always start out thinking to myself, "Okay, don't be competitive, be supportive of your husband, no trash talking, don't be smug." But tonight I got DOUBLE YAHTZEE folks, DOUBLE YAHTZEE!! I just couldn't help it, I stood up and started jumping around the kitchen, waving my arms wildly. The whole time Erik was looking down at the table and saying, "I fantasized about what this would be like for me." Here I am scanning my amazing last game and putting it on my blog. Pathetic? Perhaps. Smug? Of course.

THE ANSWER TO ALL OUR PROBLEMS

Today we bought this great gate that we can manipulate into different shapes, etc. As you can see, Luke isn't very keen on using it as "the cage," so right now we just have it set up as a long gate to block off the living room and entry way. What a lifesaver! We also bought cabinet locks and something to secure our fireplace. Yipee! Now, maybe I can get more done around the house!

No more ash for you! Ha!

It's hard to be 9 months old.

THIS WEEK'S POP QUIZ

Answers are at the end. No cheating!

1. In just this week, Luke has -

a. Thrown an open box of nursing pads into the shower
b. Undid the "lock" I set up on our fireplace and eaten a mouthful of ash
c. Broken two glass casserole dishes
d. Chewed on garbage he found in the trash can
e. All of the above

2. In response to his behavior, my Mom suggested I -

a. Take him to Obedience School
b. Buy him a muzzle and a leash
c. Ignore it
d. Teach him to respond to a whistle
e. All of the above

3. On the bright side, this week, Luke has started -

a. Saying "Mama" when he wants to nurse
b. Saying "Hey" and waving when he sees other kids
c. Eating more solid food
d. Sleeping longer
e. All of the above

4. Other highlights this week for me include -

a. Going shopping with Candace for a nursing bra that she tried on over her clothes and said, "Yeah, that'll do."
b. Learning how to ski
c. Directing a bunch of local Jr. High kids in a short film that I wrote
d. Getting laser hair removal
e. A and C
f. B and D


Answers:
1.e, 2.b, 3.e, 4. e

BABIES EVERYWHERE

Here is Candace and Tyler's favorite commercial in honor of their impending arrival. (Candace is due any day now.) BABIES EVERYWHERE! 500 OF THEM!

(This commercial was made by an ad agency for Nutrigrain, but it never aired. I think it was a little too weird for them.)

MOMMIE DEAREST

I just found out today from Kelley that my Mom is really mad that I made my blog her homepage. I showed her how to do it over the phone the other day and she told Kelley that she hates it because now she has to type in "MSN.COM"every time she gets on the Internet. I thought I was doing her a favor by helping her avoid msn.com, but it turns out she really likes it! I have always felt that msn.com is just a bunch of propaganda (as is most of the Internet). The "news" stories are usually linked to some sort of related advertising and its just another reminder to me of how rich Bill Gates really is. But who am I to keep my mother from the things she loves? So Mom, give me a call and I'll help you change it back.

SOMETIMES ITS GOOD TO WEAR PANTS

I don't know what's more disturbing about this photo from a recent issue of Time Magazine: The Afghan father blowing opium smoke into his son's face or that they are letting him "Donald Duck" it in a cave. I hurt thinking about that poor baby's bum scratching against the cold hard rock. Ow.

TODAY'S IMPORTANT PARENTING LESSONS

1. Who needs a bib? I use the fact that Luke hasn't figured out how to use a sippy cup yet to my full advantage by letting him eat in his diaper. When he's finished, I hand him the cup full of water, without the sippy part in it, and he rinses himself off without my help.


2. It really doesn't matter how much sand your baby eats because it will all come out in his diaper the next day (if you know what I mean).


3. A good parent does not encourage her child to eat sand by taking pictures of it.


4. I should of baby proofed my house last week.


5. Its time to retire those overalls. My kid is starting to look like he's wearing hot pants.

HOW GRANOLA ARE YOU?

I am a proud member of La Leche League. I enjoy attending the meetings, the camaraderie and honestly, there really isn't much to do in Tehachapi. It gives me a good opportunity to get out of the house and talk to other mothers.

However, as usual, the recent La Leche League meeting turned into another contest of who's the most "natural". It always starts out very innocently. Lady A says, "I make my own bread." Lady B says, "That's nice, we only shop at Whole Foods." And suddenly, it turns into an all out war! (I PROMISE these are actual statements I have heard at meetings):

"I refused to have an ultrasound during my pregnancy. No way."

"Oh my gosh, you actually immunize your kids?!"

"An epidural will drug your baby."

"She only nursed her baby till he was 2."

"I only use midwives, no doctors, and I don't care if she's certified. I'd deliver that baby myself if I could."

"Well, you think you're cool? Beat this! My in-laws own HEALTH FOOD STORES, that's right, Lassens, you ever heard of it?! Yeah, I thought so."

Any La Leche League Leader will be the first to tell you that views expressed by those in attendance at a meeting are not necessarily those of La Leche League itself. I consider myself more on the "natural" side of things, I guess. I would actually agree with quite a bit that is said at those meetings. (Did I mention my in-laws own HEALTH FOOD STORES? Yeah, I thought so.) But I also think that there is a place for science, medicine, you know, stuff that is meant to help people. It's just funny to me how opinionated and close minded people can be about child rearing, especially when they profess to be open minded.

THE 2 MOST IMPORTANT RACES

This could potentially be a big year for Mormons. The two most important races in the U.S. (American Idol and the campaign for President) finally have credible Mormon candidates. "They" say that more people vote for American Idol than president. I believe it. The season Carrie Underwood was on, Erik shamelessly voted for her for one hour repeatedly, but when I asked him if he remembered to vote in the last Presidential Election, he had forgot.


Rumor has it that American Idol finalist, Blake Lewis, is LDS. (My sister's husband's adopted sister said she saw him at institute in Washington and BYU Net said he has an "association with Utah," whatever that means.) We'll just assume he's Mormon for the sake of this post. My apologizes to former contestants, Jon Peter Lewis and Carmen "sings like a goat" Rasmussen , but they just weren't that good or consistent. Before I knew Blake was LDS, I said, "This guy could win it. He has the Yo factor." He may not be the best finalist, but he is the best ever Mormon finalist. I think that can be agreed. Too bad he has all those tattoos though. I mentioned that to my sister and she said, "But, Cristin, he's in a band!" Okay, then I guess it's okay to have tattoos if you're a Mormon in a band?

Now for President. Mitt Romney got second place in the GOP straw poll in Tennessee. This is very exciting because everyone knows that the South hates Mormons. I am still undecided if I will vote for Mitt Romney. I am a registered Independent so I can't vote in the Republican primary right now as is. But, I am heavily leaning toward Romney although I know little about him except that he used to have a great family picture on his website and Ted Kennedy likes him. I, like most Americans, could tell you more about the American Idol finalists than the presidential candidates. Pathetic, but true.

SLEEP

Lack of sleep will make you do crazy things. For example, I think I agreed to assist with our ward's Girls Camp this year mostly because I view it as an opportunity to sleep all night. Luke is almost 9 months old and he still doesn't sleep through the night. I have been reprimanded by my pediatrician, the girl who does my hair, and various relatives for not letting him cry it out. It's to the point that I feel guilty now when I nurse him back to sleep during the night because so many people have told me it is wrong, I'm spoiling my baby, he's developing bad habits, blah blah blah. But I actually get more sleep by going to him then by doing these crazy cry methods. I'm tired of feeling this way. This morning I checked out from the library "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. I'm really excited to try it. She still recommends going to your baby at night, but somehow, and I haven't gotten that far in the book yet, kids should begin sleeping more on their own. I'll keep you posted.

On a side note, when I finally did get Luke down for a nap today, I tried to take one and never fell asleep because I couldn't get "Pop Goes My Heart!" out of my head. (Thanks, Jamie.)

REALLY BAD ROOTS

Hey guess what everyone?! I'm not a natural blonde. Now that we've gotten that out of the way: My roots are really bad. No one has said anything, I just know it. I ask Erik and he's of course like, "No, it looks fine." (Probably because he knows I would freak out if he told me the truth.) My friend, Annie, told me this great story recently about how she asked her husband, Spencer, what he thought about the bad varicose veins she's been developing during her pregnancy. Spencer answered, "We can pay to get that fixed." Hey, at least he's being honest.

Even though its bad, I want to try to wait a few more weeks until I get my hair done. (It's really expensive.) The other day I asked my sister, Kelley, if she knows how to hide bad roots and she said, "Oh yeah, all the celebrities put hairspray on their roots and then color them with eye shadow." I'm so sure that Reese Witherspoon doesn't want to pay the $100 to get her hair done so she is hairspraying her roots and coating them with various shades of cheap eye shadow right this minute.

NOTE: After I posted this, Kelley sent me this link from Oprah's website: http://www.oprah.com/health/beauty/h_hair/beauty_hhair_secrets.jhtml.
So, I guess B List Celebrities (like Christina Applegate) really do use golden colored eye shadow on their roots!

BABY ORAJEL

Today was long. Luke was screaming so hard for so long that I actually thought of taking him to the hospital. That's how bad it was.

Me: What is wrong with you? Are you sick? Are you cold? Are you hot? Did someone stab you? Do you want cheerios or green beans? I smell poop, but I always smell poop, do you have a dirty diaper?

Luke: DADA BABA GA!

I finally figured out it must be teething (again). I say again because this will be his 8th tooth coming in. 8 teeth in 8 months. Does that seem like a lot to you? It seems insane to me. So, it was time to break out the Nighttime Baby Orajel in the middle of the day. The instructions say to use a "pea size" portion. Peas can be really big, right? Like, I'm talking genetically altered peas made in a laboratory. Do you think its possible to OD on that stuff?

THE K-MART COAT

Here's a picture from Saturday. I bought Luke this winter coat and mittens set at K-Mart here (yes, I just admitted on the internet that I shop at K-Mart, how embarassing) on clearance for $8! Since its the end of the season and he won't get much use out of it now I bought a size 2 so he can wear it next winter. Look at the mittens that came with it, his little hand doesn't even fit! He couldn't move, but at least he was warm. Oh, and did I mention he is also wearing a snow suit (also size 2 - I'm always thinking one step ahead like a carpenter building steps) that I bought at the Tehachapi Hospital Guild Thrift Shop for $1? Wow, what a deal!

THE PROBLEM WITH POOP

This picture is disgusting. I censored it myself. No one really wants to see what was in that diaper, but you still get the point. We have a problem with poop in our house. It is everywhere. Luke pooped all over his clothes today and I had to change him right before we left for church. Tonight he made a mess in the bathtub. I have even found some on the wall and scrubbed it so hard that the paint came off. I smell it so much that I smell it even when it is not around. Luke isn't as bad as his cousin, Isaac "the Poop Eater" Kent, but I wouldn't be surprised if that kind of "problem" started happening too.

It is getting really hard for one person to change Luke's diaper alone. He fights you every step of the way. He'll try to leap off the changing table, pound at the wall, crawl, stand, sit, and even jump. Typically, I will reach for whatever I can find in the top drawer (today it was a bottle of Gripe Water) and thrust it into his hands while usually singing no less than an inch from his face in a desperate attempt to hold his attention long enough to finish changing his diaper. Equally frustrating is the fact that the minute the diaper is off, Luke takes whatever I have frantically thrust into his hands (gripe water, pacifier, stuffed animal, etc.) and rubs it all over his poopy "man pieces." He then will take the now poopy object to his face. It is as gross as it sounds. I know you're thinking, "Why don't you stop him?" Believe me, I am trying, but he is getting really quick, and I only have two hands.

TWO GOOD MOVIES

Last night we watched Marie Antoinette. Despite the plot holes and historical inaccuracies, I liked it. It was very visually appealing, i.e., pretty to look at. I enjoyed it much more than Sofia Coppola's other film, "Lost in Translation. " Then again, I saw "Lost in Translation" from Clean Flicks, and they edit out so much stuff that the stories usually don't make any sense. Anyway, Kirsten Dunst was really fun to watch and I liked seeing Versailles. Good chick flick.

Last Saturday, Erik and I saw "Miss Potter" in Ventura. I think sometimes its best to go into a movie with no expectations, so we were surprised at how much we both liked it. Ewan "the love of my life" McGregor was in it with a Magnum P.I. mustache. (That is a big joke. Every time Erik and I go to some sort of couples party they play "The Newlywed Game" and Erik always brings up in his answers that he thinks I am in love with Ewan McGregor.) Here's some advice though, if you go see it, don't look up the story of Beatrix Potter on wikipedia or anything like that. It might ruin some major plot points for you. It was also a good family film and I liked it much better than Finding Neverland, which it is usually compared to.

WHY I CONTINUE TO BREASTFEED...

For one thing, it is so much CLEANER than solid food. What a mess!

HOW TO EAT CHEAP - PART 2

So, I went to Costco yesterday and guess what, whole chickens were 50 cents a pound! I challenge you to beat that deal. So, naturally, I bought 4. After an hour of cutting them up this afternoon, I had about 10 2-person meals ready to freeze, not to mention all the soup I can make from the chicken parts I froze too. The only problem is that after spending an hour pulling apart chickens (which can be pretty disgusting), the last thing I feel like eating is chicken!

SAFE BABY HANDLING TIPS

My sister-in-law, Trine, gave me this fantastic book as a baby shower gift called Safe Baby Handling Tips by David and Kelly Sopp. The book gives numerous examples of the right and wrong ways to take care of a baby. I read it to Luke all the time (he likes to spin the Wheel of Responsibility on the front). However, just the other day I noticed that I have inadvertently been taking care of Luke the wrong way for quite a while now. So thanks Trine, now I feel like a really bad parent. Just to give you a few examples of my inadequacy (Note: These are ACTUAL, UNSTAGED PHOTOS, I really do parent like this):

Luke can't sleep well unless he's swaddled really tight.

The only way to check. I guess I could smell him too, but that would be gross.

It always scares me when Erik does this.

I threw that snot sucker away months ago.