8.19.2007

I'M SO EMBARRASSED


I hate buying embarrassing things. I start shaking and get nervous when I think about doing it. I play out how its going to go in my mind before I walk into the store.

I have never been to a supermarket as cruel as the Albertsons in Tehachapi. I think they took a survey of the most embarrassing products and then crammed them all into one locked glass case. I really don't see any similarities between these objects that would cause them to be grouped together, except for the fact that they are all embarrassing things to buy. Think of the most embarrassing thing you could buy at a grocery or drug store and multiply it by 100. That is the value of this glass case. I'm guessing they had a big problem with people stealing stuff because they were too embarrassed to purchase it. I don't know how this is going to help.

There are different levels of embarrassing purchases:

At the lowest level are tampons and birth control prescriptions. Lots of folks actually think these things are really cool.

The middle level is maxi pads and
any sort of yeast infection medicine or other stuff for "down there." Maxi pads are interesting because they become more embarrassing the larger they are. Pantyliners are cool, but huge overnight hospital industrial strength maxi pads or adult diapers are downright humiliating.

Some of the most embarrassing products are pregnancy tests and anything else related to sex, i.e., condoms, ky jelly, etc. (If you dare to get condoms that are anything but normal and plain, you might as well wear a ski mask into the store because you will be so embarrassed you will never want to show your face in there EVER again.)

To have the embarrassing glass case unlocked, you must ask the associate closest to the case to open it for you. This would be the the butcher. The butcher is a nice guy who wears a hair net over his beard that looks like it is cutting off his circulation, or at the very least, leaving permanent elastic imprint lines on his cheeks. He must take off his gloves, wash his hands, pick up a phone, and call for someone to come open up the glass case to unlock the goods. The whole time you must make small talk with him, but you know he's really thinking, "Gross, what is wrong with her that would require her to get into that case."

If I am willing to endure the humiliation with the butcher, then there are other hurdles to overcome. Tehachapi is a really small town. It is not uncommon for me to run into at least one person I know at the grocery store. Since I have to see this person again, I want to make sure I don't have Product X in my hand, i.e., I have to have it buried under lots of other things. Buying Product X is expensive, not because
it is expensive, but because it forces me to buy lots of things I don't really need in order to conceal it. If Granola Bars are on sale then I will buy 6 boxes to build a fortress around Product X. It takes a lot of granola bar boxes to cover a package of industrial strength hospital quality overnight maxi pads (I know from personal experience).

Many of you might say, "Get over yourself. No one cares if you are buying blah blah blah." I beg to differ. I was a cashier at Wal-mart in high school and I can honestly say that I thought about and noticed every time a customer bought something embarrassing.

Anyway, that's all for now. We're going out of town so I can buy all the embarrassing stuff I need in total anonymity.

See you in a week!

12 comments:

  1. I only get really embarrassed with certain things, but not too bad because they are not locked up in a glass case. That case would keep me from buying anything like that in the store. I like to be discreet or make my husband buy the stuff!

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  2. I would just shop somewhere that didn't involve a glass case.

    Checking out at the grocery Saturday night there was a college student in front of me with a little pile of stuff. Tooth brush, a box of toothpaste, and a third thing that I couldn't at first identify. But of course, I knew it was condoms. I mean, who goes to the store and just buys a toothbrush and toothpaste? And it was totally condoms. He just grabbed some other stuff in that section of the store and went to check out. Funny.

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  3. I think the worst is buying hemroid creme. which luckily I have never had to do. second is pregnancy test- which I have done a few times, and that is def. pretty awkward- I always feel like the cashier is checking me out- trying to figure out if I am excited or worried.

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  4. I am just not one of those people, but I can totally understand it. Although, now that you've informed me that the cashiers really do care, maybe I will rethink my low level of embarrassment.

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  5. I wonder if shopping online would make it any better? Like, do they mark on the outside of your package what they're shipping to you? That might make it worse, like you have something to hide...

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  6. I once bought something through the mail that purposely said that it would come in an unmarked package... I was 12 years old and it was a booked called, "Boys". I paid for it by sending cash through the mail. The book explained to you how to get boys to like you. it was pretty cool.

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  7. I bought condoms at the Camarillo K-Mart once. Nancy sent me to do it because she didn't want to have to deal with the glass case. I had to ask a clerk, and he had to get on the telephone and send out a store-wide page, "Assistance to the front cases." Then the guy came and asked what I wanted, like he was going to get it for me. Can't they just unlock the case and allow me to make my own selection? I said to him, "Are you going to use them with me?" Then he backed off a little.

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  8. sounds like Orem is the only city that doesn't keep all that embarressing stuff in glass cases. it's just as bad though, thank goodness for self check out.

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  9. I once needed these three items, but REFUSED to buy them all at the same time...use your imaginations: Condoms, film for my camera, and bug spray! Jeepers creepers...could you imagine?!?!? Just as a side note, the internet is a wonderful place to have to make embarrassing purchases, IF you don't need them right away...or you could always go across town to where you don't see them EVER.

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  10. I sometimes get embarrassed if I am in a certain isle or section of an isle. It's bad when your looking for something that you usually don't get, then realize your in the men's prostate multivitamin section. I try to wait until the isle is clear before I start to look.

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  11. Maybe I'm weird, but I don't get embarrassed or care at all! It really doesn't phase me. I can even look the checkout clerk in the eye when getting it- I know s/he sees stuff like that pass through all the time. It's like going to the doctors, they see naked people all the time, no big deal. I don't go around the store flashing these items to the world, but I really wouldn't care if someone saw. So my husband and I love each other, so maybe its that time of the month- every couple should be having some loving, and every female over the age of 12 has to buy these things. However, I don't like it when you're looking in the condom section the same time as someone else, that just seems really weird, especially if they just look creepy. yuck, i don't want to think about it.

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  12. Are you trying to win the prize for the funniest blog entry? or maybe the weirdest.

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